It was several days before Elly called Morgan.
“Why didn’t you call? I thought you’d never call!” Morgan was almost in tears. “I waited, and waited, and waited!”
Elly felt sorry for her, but a little amused. She chuckled, unleashing a further stream of reproach, but it was more grumbling now, not the frightened whining it had started out as. Morgan wanted to see her again, and she said so a half-dozen times. It was as though her longing for Elly had made her stupid.
They arranged to meet in one of the City parks. Morgan wanted to be careful not to meet anyone she knew, but that was such a small circle, it didn’t matter. She was not out, and she was deathly afraid of being humiliated, but she had a dislike of bars and dark places. Her college years had been miserable, because her friends had preferred those kinds of places rather than the quiet coffee-houses that she preferred. Elly dragged all this out of her as they sat, watching children play, and dogs running after frisbees.
They knew many things about each other, but there were lots of gaps, and now they eagerly explored their pasts. She was delighted to hear that Elly was, in fact, a musician. She had been suspended from her college at the end of her sophomore year, having failed half her classes. Now she was making her way back, and had completed her Junior year in Philly.
“Oh, go back,” Morgan urged. “Penn State is such a tiny place! Grad school at Penn State is all right, but a B.A. …”
Elly shook her head, looking away. She did not want to go back, to be thrown in with Tommy. It hurt too much. She was beginning to sort out her feelings, and she knew that being around Tommy would not help. Not if Tommy was still the way she had been while they were in Kansas. She had come a long way, but Elly had matured beyond her twin and former lover. Was it too late for them? Elly looked at Morgan, who was watching her intently. Elly sighed. If Tommy, a new, settled, Tommy, came to her today, she could never turn her face from her. It was never too late.
“It’s Tommy, isn’t it?”
Elly nodded. “She’ll always be there,” she said. “But I’ll just … have to give her some of myself, that’s all.”
Morgan only nodded. Being in love with a woman was something she still could just barely understand at an intellectual level. As a student, there was nothing to be done; one went to classes, and one was in love. But now? She dared not think of the implications of keeping a relationship with an upper-middle-class girl. Working-class girls didn’t think of such things.
“But … I guess I have to do something,” Elly said. “I remember a letter from school—my old school, I mean—sitting on the table downstairs.”
“Your folks keep letters on a table?”
“Well, we’re pretty disorganized at the moment,” Elly admitted. “There’s three families living there at the moment, and me, too; I don’t really belong to any of them, except that … oh! It’s too complicated!”
“I thought she was your aunt?”
“Well, okay, she is.” Elly decided to leave it at that. She had been Elly’s mother’s young lover when Elly was born; “aunt” was as good as anything else. “But … me, or my mother should deal with those things, shouldn’t we?”
“Yeah,” Morgan agreed.
“Morgan, why don’t you look for work?”
Morgan took a deep breath. “See, I have loans. They’re unbelievable loans, and my Dad can’t help me pay them. And the moment I get work, I …”
“But they’re very liberal about college loans. Have you really found out how much you owe them?”
“Oh yes. It’s fifty grand.”
“No, no, I mean, a month?”
Morgan looked at her strangely. “What does it matter? If it’s a lot, I can’t afford it, if it’s a little, I’ll never get it paid off!”
Elly held her head. She slowly and patiently tried to explain how it worked to the deeply suspicious and frightened Morgan, and by the time she had made some headway, it was time to hurry home to make Hugh his snacks.
“That big baby,” Elly muttered, “he ought to be able to make his own sandwiches.”
“Oh, I’m sure he could,” Morgan said, “but I won’t let him. He’s had such a miserable childhood, I decided he shouldn’t suffer for it while I’m around.”
“He’s a perfectly happy boy! What makes you think he’s suffering?”
“Oh, he is,” said Morgan. “He lost his mother when he was barely four.”
“But you lost her, too!”
Morgan shrugged. “Still … he was just a baby.”
Elly had brought up the issue of her last year of college with Maryssa. First of all she had to explain all the concepts to Maryssa, who was perfectly willing to listen. Then, while Maryssa made tea, she had to explain the alternatives. An hour into the thing, they had solved it, or rather Elly had solved it, while Maryssa tried to understand the solution. She would apply to a number of schools, and see who took her. If all else failed, she would apply to Penn State, Main Campus, and endure a year there. She hurried off to Becky’s office, to get help from there before they closed and went home for the day. If anyone was there, they’d stay and work with her until the job was finished.
It was hard to work with Hugh all day, with his awkward shows of friendship, and lust after his sister all night. He was a sweet fellow, if a little spoilt, but the quarrelsome affection between the two siblings was touching. Setting up a time to meet together with Morgan was awkward. It involved getting moved to night hours, so that her daytime was free. But it was an awkward dance, because Hugh sometimes moved his hours to match Elly, which meant that Morgan and she would not have the house to themselves any more.
A couple of times, she got Hugh to take her home again, and he happily obliged, and the three of them visited together. But it was a terrible strain on Morgan who could barely keep up the appearance of simply chatting with her brother’s friend. The second time it seemed a little easier, but when Hugh asked Elly over lunch whether she was attracted to his sister, it scared her silly.
“Well, of course,” she had said, “if I wasn’t, that means she’s ugly!”
“Huh,” he said, “she’s as cute as a button, and no mistake! I’m surprised you’re not all over her!”
Elly nearly choked. In fact, she did choke, and Hugh had to thump her on the back. “You’re not helping, Hugh,” she remonstrated with him. “Do you want me to be all over her?”
He looked at her thoughtfully. “I don’t think she’d like that very much,” he said, finally, and that was that.
Elly was accepted within a week. Aunt Helen was back, and she approved heartily. She had been admitted to Penn, and she had gone in for an interview. Almost all her credits had transferred, but some of the course work would not satisfy the music major at the conservatory. She would have to be in school an additional year, unless she changed her major.
“You should really stick with music,” her interviewer said. It was a very charismatic young woman with piercing eyes, and Elly squirmed under her intent gaze. “From all your credentials, you are an amazing violist, and you will never find a better place to finish your studies. Never, nowhere. We are simply the best, especially for someone of your talent.”
That afternoon Elly was to play for a professor in the music department, and she felt very nervous. Aunt Helen had chickened out of coming with her, and so, of all people, Aunt Maryssa was with her. Still, there were other things she could do, including music education, or a major in English or psychology.
They were treated to lunch in the ancient cafeteria of the university—or at least, one of them—and then Maryssa accompanied Elly back to the music department. The conservatory was separate, this was simply the department of music.
The professor was an older woman, slim, grey-haired, businesslike. She inspected Elly’s violin, simply to give her time to get back her composure, Elly realized.
“This is from Helen Nordstrom!”
“Yes,” agreed Elly, politely, belatedly adding “Ma’am.”
“How much did it cost?” she asked, and Elly could see Maryssa brighten up. Here was a question she could answer! Before she did, Elly hurried with,
“It was a gift. She knew my mother in college, you see!”
“I see!”
There was a lovely piano, and Elly gave her her music. Elly, of course, was completely at ease playing, and there was nothing except the highest praise for it. The professor must have been disappointed with Elly’s underwhelmed reaction to her praise.
“You should have joined the conservatory long ago,” she said reproachfully. “Why did you hold off until now?”
She wasn’t aware of Elly’s history, so Elly recited it again, and to her great satisfaction the professor nodded all the way, totally sympathetic. Elly told her that she had wanted a well-rounded education, and the professor agreed that she had certainly acquired that. It was only her major that was left to take care of.
“You’re in!” exulted Maryssa, as soon as they were on their own.
“I know! I don’t know what to do!” Elly had, in fact, been offered conditional acceptance to the conservatory. It was a great temptation, especially if she planned a future as a music performer.
But there were other things to think of. What would happen to her and Morgan? Would Morgan be able to support her, would she have to support Morgan? What future did she have as a performer? Could she earn enough money to have a family?
Elly decided to take Helen into her confidence. To Elly’s surprise, she was very pleased with it. “I love Tommy dearly,” she said sincerely, “and I would love you two to be together. But I don’t know when she will be ready, darling, or even if she ever will be. Morgan sounds like a sweet girl in every way!”
“Aunt Helen, could you come with me and meet her? We need to plan! And she … I don’t think she has plans at all!”
Helen wore a wig. It was a short medium-brown wig she had used before, which disguised the shape of her face. She put it on in a restroom of the railway station, and they headed out to the park where Morgan was waiting for them.
Elly introduced Helen to her friend with pride. She might be in disguise, but Elly adored her adopted aunt, and delighted to introduce her to her friends. “This is my aunt Elaine,” she said, as they had agreed beforehand, and aunt Elaine, this is Morgan! Morgan, she knows all about you, so you needn’t be shy!”
Helen had hugged Morgan, finding her all Elly had promised, and more. The girl had awkward hair, but her eyes and her mouth were expressive, and her manners polite and considerate.
“I’ve got a place at Penn!” Elly said happily, “and I can go to the conservatory, if I like!” She explained quickly and succinctly to Morgan what the alternatives were, precisely what she had wanted Helen there to do! Helen simply sat and listened, smiling, watching Morgan.
Morgan was happy for Elly, and though she was pleased to meet Helen, and touched that Morgan’s opinion was sought, she wondered why.
“It seems like you could take either one, doesn’t it?” she said simply. “The conservatory is more prestigious, but it would cost more, wouldn’t it? But cost is not a worry, is it?”
Helen smiled. “We-el,” she said, “we can’t afford to pay the fees; Elly would need to apply for scholarships just like anybody else.”
“Oh yes,” Elly said quickly. “And loans, and everything.”
“Oh dear,” said Morgan, thinking she understood. “That makes a big difference. Do you have any idea what the fees are?”
Elly started to reply, but Helen saw the problem. Morgan did not yet see where she came in.
“Morgan, what are your plans?”
“My plans?”
It took just a few more seconds to make Morgan see that Elly wanted to be part of Morgan’s future, and that she was willing to accommodate her needs. As tactfully as she could, Helen explained how partners had to made adjustments to their own plans for the sake of each other, and Elly was bringing Morgan in on the plan. Normally, college was something a girl did based on nothing but her own aspirations. But Elly was doing this because of the complexity of what she saw as Morgan’s family obligations.
Morgan was stunned. She had put far less serious thought into her own plans than Elly had. Forty minutes later, a quite flexible plan emerged. Elly would finish her degree with a major in music as well as a minor in English, and she would try to obtain secondary certification in English as well. Morgan would look for work, and when Elly graduated, if they still felt the same way about each other, they would find an apartment together and move in. Morgan’s family need not know that she lived with a lover. If necessary, Elly could find the apartment by herself, until Morgan found the courage to reveal her plans to her father and brother. Elly would look into a plan to study at the conservatory that would work around her traditional degree. It possible, she would do that, if not, she wouldn’t. It was part of Helen’s plan to point that out, to impress on Morgan that sacrifice would be necessary, and compromise. If they lived together, they could help each other financially, including helping each other pay their college loans.
The major achievement was to get Morgan thinking about moving out of her home. As long as she lived there, she would not get a job, and the longer she didn’t get a job, the less likely she would find one.
Elly knew that Helen had scored a hit with Morgan. Helen had a way of inspiring people to do things they never believed they could, and Morgan was such a person. If all went well, Morgan would begin looking for jobs the very next day.
Hugh told her the next day at work, that his sister had started looking for jobs. “I’m scared she’ll move out,” he said gloomily.
“Jeeze,” Elly said, “don’t you want her to get a life?”
Hugh scowled at her, but he soon turned thoughtful. “You think she wants to get a life?”
“I would, if I were her,” Elly assured him. “You should make her feel like you’re on her side. I bet the reason she hasn’t looked for a job this long is that she thought she had to be home for you.”
“I guess I know that,” Hugh said. “But she’s happy with Dad and me.”
“Is that why she fights with you all the time?”
“How do you know she does?”
“I just guessed, and I guess I was right!”
Elly, it so happened, had been kept unaware of what was going on with Janet. When she finally learned about it, it was long afterwards.
“Dear Elly,” Janet wrote, “this will shock you, but I can’t help it: I have met a wonderful girl, and we have fallen in love. She’s younger than you are—yes, I know I’m crazy—but I can’t do anything else! She’s a sophomore at the University of Pennsylvania, and for various reasons, she has broken off ties with her parents.
"I am completely off balance, and I have been this way since this whole thing started early this summer. I long to talk about this with you, but how can we? I realize that you’re saving up for the Fall semester, and that’s why you’re working this summer. I’d love to discuss your plans with you, and help you if I can. And I’d love to talk to you about Crystal, and have someone whom I trust know about all this, so that I can bounce my ideas off you. I don’t want to suddenly move in together with her, and have the whole world go into shock, including my beloved daughter!
"I know you don’t think of me as your greatest buddy, but as I grow older, you will become one of my closest allies. I know Helen is there for me, but you and I are family, and we must learn to support each other.
"I guess I’m saying sorry for all the times I have let you down, and that I want you in my life, very, very much. You mean far more to me than I can ever say, or you would ever believe, until you have a little girl of your own.
"Love, and lots of hugs and stuff,
"Mama."
“Oh God!” Elly cried aloud. She was so moved by the letter that she didn’t know how to feel. Janet had written only rarely to her; she tended to write only during crises, when she didn’t trust herself to speak calmly over the phone, and so her letters usually had a tone of such studied calm that they seemed almost unfeeling. But in this letter, calm as it was on the surface, there was genuine feeling leaking out; it was her mother all over, the mother she had known and loved all her life, and misunderstood so much.
“What is it? What happened?” called Helen from the stairs, looking over the bannister rail inquiringly. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine! I’m fine,” said Elly, her face shining, the trail of one tear streaking her face.
Helen came the rest of the way down the stairs, her youthful gait contrasting strongly with the severity of her face, now moderated a little with concern. Now she sat a little distance from Elly, looking at the letter.
“Who is it? Oh, Janet!”
“Do you know anything about this?”
“Depends,” said Helen, cautiously.
“Someone called Crystal?”
Helen closed her eyes briefly, in lieu of rolling them. Elly giggled, wiping her tears. Helen’s face relaxed into a wonderful smile. All Elly’s problems seemed to be drawing Aunt Helen deeper and deeper into her affairs, and she sometimes felt embarrassed at the burden she must be for her. But the smile told her that her Aunt loved her too much for it to matter. She felt with a pang of guilt that Aunt Helen was what she had wanted Tommy to be, and that was too much to ask of anyone.
“What does she say?”
Elly told her in a few words; after all, the information in it was very little. “But—the way she writes—it’s so sweet, Aunt Helen! It’s as if …”
Helen only gave her a quizzical smile, studying her face. “I knew this moment would come,” she said at length, “she feels very much alone.”
“But you wouldn’t let her down, would you? What do you know about this girl? Is there something wrong with her?”
“Not that I know of. It’s the girl she met here, remember? The girl she went home with from the bar!”
“Oh, that one!”
“She seems perfectly nice, if a little naive. She—I don’t know if I’m supposed to tell you this—she went out to St Paul looking for Jan, and, well, found her. It’s a long story. She walked from Madison, I understand.”
“Walked! Why?”
Helen made a gesture of frustration, indicating the craziness of the situation. “I don’t exactly know; she was running away from home.”
Elly cursed under her breath.
“This isn’t like Mama at all.”
“Well, it is, and it isn’t. She’s very emotional and impulsive. If she hadn’t been, I might never have known you, Elly! My life would have been very different …” Elly watched her Aunt Helen go into a reverie. “She changed my life, and I changed hers … I’m very grateful to her for that!”
“I’d like to take Morgan to meet her,” Elly said suddenly. “And I want to see this girl, check her out.” Elly was suddenly full of plans. Janet knew nothing of her plans for the Fall, and Elly realized how much she had to talk to her mother about. She looked at Helen, and Helen picked up the phone.
Janet and Crystal told Elly to stay put; they were coming down to Philadelphia in any case, to get Crystal set up at school. Janet had taken Elly’s ‘engagement’ very calmly. Helen, Elly and Morgan met Janet and Crystal at the airport. Introductions were shyly made, and Crystal and Morgan studied the others with great nervousness and bashfulness. It was late afternoon on Friday.
“Let’s go up to the house and plan,” Helen said gently. She looked thinner and more mature than ever, and the glasses she wore all the time, now, made her look still older. Still, Crystal felt comfortable with her, and found herself smiling with her all the time.
Crystal and Elly sat together, in the large van, and Janet and Morgan. The back was full of Crystal’s luggage, and Janet’s overnight bag.
“I’m so pleased to get to know you,” Crystal said, a little awkwardly. It was obviously something she had carefully prepared. She was as cute as anything, and Elly murmured something vague as she studied the girl who would be her mother’s companion, Elly’s ‘stepmother,’ as it were.
“So, you’re going to Penn!” Elly said, the only thing she knew about Crystal.
“Oh, yes,” Crystal said, and launched into a description of her program, and how she had hated it at first. “But I’ve been teaching Sunday-school, and … I guess I’ve grown up a lot.” She stopped talking, and looked at Elly frankly. She lowered her voice. “Look, I don’t want to disrupt your life, or run away with your mother, or anything. I don’t want to upset anything!”
“Oh, I know,” said Elly, quickly. She smiled at her. “Mama seems so happy,” she observed. “I should thank you for that!” Crystal blushed bright pink with pleasure. Oh man, thought Elly, an incorrigible blusher.
Janet was chatting with Morgan, drawing her out. It took a while, but finally they found some common interests, such as music and philosophy. Helen herself (Elaine) was the best topic of all, which they discussed softly so that the subject would not hear.
After some snacks and tea, they verified that Crystal’s old apartment was available. Morgan had gotten a job with a bookstore, and as soon as she got her first paycheck, she would be ready to move into an apartment. She was still working out the details of how to do the housekeeping for her brother and father. Once that was done, they could take the next step, which was to move in together.
The Fall arrived, and soon everyone was off to school, or getting into the school routine.
Elly was an instant sensation. She was tackling a music major, and was among some very accomplished performers. But with the theory she had learned with her beloved aunt Helen, all the playing she had done on the new piano, and the unremitting attention to practice on the violin and the viola, as well as her natural talent, the ‘new girl’ Elly was acknowledge to be the best in her class. Determined to do her best, and wielding her natural charm ruthlessly, she stole the hearts of all her classmates and her professors alike. She, too had to work on campus as a teaching assistant, assisting in a Theory course, and giving private tuition in English composition in the evenings.
Morgan had already begun working. The work was dull, and she begged for more responsibility. She was allowed two hours off at three, to run home, and fix supper, and return in time to work at the busiest hour of the store, and help close up at the end of the day. To make up for this interruption in the work day, she also worked Saturdays all day. Still, her employer was unhappy about the arrangement. She had become a valued and reliable worker, adept at helping customers find what they wanted. If she stayed in the store, her Saturday hours would be overtime, which she could really use. Elly wished she’d simply stand up to her father and brother, and tell them to fix their own supper!
“Tell you what,” Elly said, “I’ll do it.”
“Do what?”
“Go fix Hugh’s sandwiches, and fix dinner. I’m free Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 3 to 5, so I’ll bicycle over and do it.”
Morgan was mortified. “He’s in school now, so he really shouldn’t be needing his silly sandwiches … and Dad would be real unhappy.”
“I’ll just charm him,” Elly said. “Let’s start tomorrow. This will be fun!”
“You aren’t going to fool around with Hugh, are you?”
“Morgan, I’m three years older than him! And besides …”
“Okay, okay, I’ll make sure everything’s ready for you. Let’s try it for one day, and see how it goes.”
Elly turned up on her bicycle at three, let herself in, put on Morgan’s precious little apron, and began to look around for the supplies Morgan had promised to leave her. Ah, there was a note on the ’fridge.
Elly, there’s eggs and bread and marge for you-know-who’s you-know-whats. (You could have some, too!) I could have made them in the morning, but he hates when they get soaked and soggy. He’s so picky!
For supper, I’ve decided spaghetti with meat sauce, and a tossed salad. I don’t always make things this fancy, but I’m trying to impress you! Thanks a million for doing this—Morgan
Elly smiled at the domestic charm of the note. Morgan, for all her superficial simplicity, was a complex person inside. But she longed for this simple, domestic existence, though her sexual needs, her financial needs, and her intellectual needs all demanded a more sophisticated lifestyle.
She got the eggs out, and put them in a pot, and turned on the stove. To save time, she began to mix up the rest of the ingredients: the onions, the tiny bit of celery, the white pepper, the herbs.
There was a clatter on the steps.
“Hey! What are you doing here? Where have you been?”
“Hi there, big guy! How you been?” Elly asked breezily.
“So, where’s Morgan?”
Elly grinned, her hands on her hips. “I’m your substitute sister for today!”
Hugh grinned back. “Oh yeah? Do I get to kiss you, and stuff?”
“A kiss is okay,” said Elly checking on the eggs, “I don’t know about stuff!”
Hugh walked over. “Hey,” he said, pleased, “you’re making sandwiches. That’s perfect!” He looked about, and looked at Elly, obviously a little disoriented. But Elly could see that he wasn’t very upset about her being there instead of his sister. He was dearly fond of his sister, but he tended to take liberties with her. “I’ll be right back,” he said, heading off to his room.
A little later, she had him chopping onions for her. “Just a tiny bit,” she said, “yeah, that will do.”
“Really? I thought you needed tons of it.”
“Not for this. Actually, we could make the sauce a little more interesting if we add just a little more. Wanna do that?”
“Sure! So more onions, then?”
“Yeah. Maybe just half of one.”
“Jeeze! Are you sure?” Elly nodded.
It was fun. He was excellent company, and a willing worker. There was absolutely no sign of the laziness that Morgan ascribed to him. She put the sandwich together for him, and he pronounced it great. “Needs salt, though,” he said.
She slapped her forehead. “I forgot to taste the thing. I was so sure …”
“Oh, it’s fine,” he said. “Just needs a touch.”
The onions were caramelizing slowly, and Hugh had added sweet peppers, finely chopped, and to Elly’s surprise, he decided to brown a little hamburger and throw it in.
“What for?” Elly asked.
Hugh frowned. “It’s a little low on the beef,” he said. “Morgan doesn’t understand things like that.”
“Where did you learn to brown hamburger like that?”
“Oh, at the store. We make spaghetti sauce, did you know? If there’s hamburger that’s getting a little old—not rotten, you know, just a tiny bit too old to sell—we brown the stuff, do the onions, just like you’re doing, and make sauce. We serve it in the deli.”
“You can cook!” Elly looked sternly at him.
Hugh looked at her in alarm. “No, I can’t! Hey, just because I can brown hamburger …”
“You big humbug, you!” Elly threatened him with a wooden spoon.
“Elly, careful with that thing!”
“Making your poor sister cook for you all these years!”
Hugh gave up. He smiled. “You’re a lot cuter,” he offered. Elly had to smile.
The door opened, and Mr Green stood there, looking at them in his serious way.
“Where’s Morgan?” he asked quietly.
“She was held up, sir, and I offered to help with dinner.”
“Smells good,” he said, cautiously.
“It’ll be ready in, oh, ten minutes, I guess,” Elly said.
“No hurry,” said he. “Thank you, Miss …”
“Elly, sir! Elly Kolb!”
“Thanks, Elly! Take your time. Hugh, are you helping?”
“Yes, Dad. I did the onions!”
“Good.”
They watched him stomp up the stairs.
“He doesn’t seem so bad?” Elly whispered.
Hugh shrugged. “He’s just boring, that’s all! Sis and he don’t get along, though.”
“How old is he? He should get married. He doesn’t look much more than forty-five.”
“Oo! You interested in the old man?”
Elly gave him a look of scorn. “You know better, Hugh Green.”
“Hey, why did you quit the last couple of weeks?”
“I’m back in College.”
“College? You’re in College?”
“Sure!”
“I thought you were, like, seventeen!”
“Twenty-one!”
“Shit!”
Elly turned to face him, feeling a little shy. “You really thought I was seventeen?”
“Sure!” He blushed. “Well, now that I know, I guess …” he grew very red.
Elly broke the spaghetti into the boiling water. She had never felt as much for a boy as for Hugh. Years before, she had felt something for Little John, when she had seen him naked one afternoon, on his bed, stroking a huge erection. She had watched him through the door which was cracked open, until he had brought on an ejaculation. She had been deeply moved at the sight. It had disgusted her, but also fascinated her, and the look on his face had stirred something in her. She had talked it over with Tommy—they talked over everything back then—and they had make love like mad, both of them aroused by the very thought of Little John jacking off by himself.
Elly had always shown John this patronizing, rather condescending face. But underneath, she had been oddly attracted to him. But Hugh … she had actually fantasized letting him fuck her. Some day, she thought, she’d like to have a child, and it would be either John or Hugh. Hugh, preferably, if she was to be Morgan’s lover. Tommy would never come back. Johnny was out of her life for ever, as a potential sex partner. As long as grandpa John was alive, Little John was a sweet, attractive, sensitive little guy. But now …
Hugh had finished eating the sandwiches, and had left one pointedly on the plate. She had eaten several already, and he had watched her eat. There had been a feeling of lighthearted eroticism, and Elly was sure it would amount to nothing. He had smiled and gone away, leaving her to cook the spaghetti.
It was cooked now, and drained, and Elly filled the pot with water to cool the spaghetti down a little. Suddenly, she felt arms around her, slipping between her own arms and her stomach. Hugh was being familiar.
“Hugh, no. Stop it,” she said in a low voice. The hands froze, then were placed flat against her stomach. She took a deep breath, and dug her elbow into his stomach and turned around. He stepped away, rubbing his stomach, smiling ruefully. She glared at him, and removed the apron. She carefully hung it on the hook, trembling with fury.
“Come on, it was nothing!”
“I said no!” she bit out. “When someone says no, just assume they mean no, Hugh! I certainly did!” Her voice was low, but she made him understand how angry she was. It hurt twice as much, because she had enjoyed the feeling. But he had forced it on her, which meant he didn’t take her seriously, and that hurt so much she was ready to cry.
“Elly …”
“The food is ready. You take charge!”
Elly ran out before he could see her tears, grabbed her bicycle, and pedaled off as fast as she could.
“Smells wonderful!” said Dad, when he came downstairs. “Who made the salad?”
“Me,” said Hugh. He had slaved over it for ten minutes, making it just perfect, wishing she were here to taste it.
“Where’s the girl?”
“She had to go,” said Hugh.
Dad looked at him. His eyes crinkled just a little bit, but Hugh didn’t know his father well enough to see a smile.
“I haven’t been tempted by a woman these ten years,” he said, sitting down at his bowl of salad, “But that one … she’s got something.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Sure can cook, just about as good as your sister.”
“Hm-hmm.”
They ate in silence for a while.
“The salad is good, son.”
“Thanks.” Hugh hated to cook, and hated more to have his salad praised. He wished his father would eat the damn salad and keep quiet about it.
“Damn, the spaghetti is great!”
Hugh took a bite. It was miserable with only the two of them. Without Morgan it was awful, and he had chased Elly away!
“Will she be around tomorrow, do you think? I’d like to talk to her a bit …” Hugh looked at his father. He was staring at the door, a thoughtful look on his face. The filthy old bastard! He was lusting after Elly! “I’m happy Morgan’s made friends with her … maybe ask her round on Sunday, for dinner … What’s she like? You know her from the grocery store, don’t you?”
“She’s … she’s not … it’s not a good idea, Dad. She’s … a little odd.”
“What d’you mean, odd?”
“She’s not quite right in the head, some mental problems!”
“Oh!” Hugh’s father’s eyes widened, comprehending, but they narrowed, because he was not convinced. He wasn’t born yesterday, and he could tell lust when he saw it. “Poor girl,” he said.
“Yeah, I feel sorry for her,” Hugh said. His body raged, and he felt like he would choke on the spaghetti. It seemed incredibly sweet, delicious; Morgan couldn’t make spaghetti the way Elly made it—it seemed as delicious as the girl herself. He wanted to eat her, to devour her, to penetrate her, invade her shell of boy-proof aloofness. But he also felt her revulsion of him like a physical blow, an arm twisted at an impossible angle, hurting him. “My stomach feels a little funny,” he mumbled.
“What? Why? What have you been eating, idiot? Did that girl make sandwiches for you?” That explained a lot; the way to the boy’s heart was through his sandwiches. He had already gotten up, looking green. Morgan kept giving him sandwiches; it was a miracle he wasn’t a 300 lb giant. “Eggs are bad for you, don’t you know that?” he called after the departing boy.
Hugh Green Sr sighed. She seemed such a nice girl, but … what did they know about her, after all? She could cook spaghetti, and she was as cute as a button. He wondered about young Hugh. What had gone on to make her leave? She seemed perfectly normal. Was she as loony as Hugh said? Had Hugh started lying? He never used to tell such mean lies about people.
Elly had gone back to the Greens several days now, to help wean the little Green men from Morgan’s mothering. She made Hugh help with the cooking, and cleverly coaxed Hugh Senior into helping to lay the table. Hugh helped with the laundry, too, and on a Saturday, he helped a little with the cleaning.
Morgan had been delighted with the progress Elly had made. She was becoming a little more confident about staying out working, and even when she was home, Hugh would help her like he helped Elly.
“Sis,” he had said, one time when they were alone, “can you talk to Elly for me?”
“About what?”
Hugh had turned red, and Morgan had turned red as they stared at each other for a few seconds in silence.
“Oh, Hugh … I think Elly—has someone. Oh Hugh!” Morgan laid a gentle motherly hand on Hugh’s cheek, her eyes brimming. “She is a cutie, isn’t she?”
Hugh only nodded. It had been an act of desperation, to blurt out his feelings to Morgan. He pushed Morgan’s hand away. Elly had someone! Who could it be? It had to be a girl. God! To think that she preferred some girl over him! Violent thoughts went through his mind, but then he remembered Elly’s gentle face and he was ashamed of himself.
“Just forget it,” he mumbled, turning away.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Morgan asked, gently.
“No. Yes! —I don’t know,” he said.
“You’re growing up,” Morgan said, her voice full of affection and wonder. Hugh looked at her sharply. She didn’t sound at all like the sharp-tongued girl he had known since he was born. “Hugh,” she said, “you know so many girls! Why don’t you ask them out?”
He sighed, and began to explain. Suddenly they were talking about all sorts of things, girls, sex, life, companionship, and above all, Elly. It was incredible how much Morgan shared his attitude about things. The most incredible thing was how she understood about girls, how they could wrench your heart out of you, and how they could make you helpless with wanting them. And some of them—you wanted to eat them up, devour them. And others —you wanted them to devour you. That was how it was with Elly—he wanted to give himself to her, to surrender to her, to let her own him.
He looked at his sister, shocked at how much he had told her, and even more shocked at how much she understood. They had passed some milestone here; they could never be the same again. He found Morgan’s arms round him, and he melted. Here was someone who accepted him completely, and he realized how much he needed those arms round him. Beneath his façade of good-natured politeness had been a lonely boy who missed his mother. Morgan had been wonderful, but he had not realized how much more he had needed. And it made him utterly grateful that she understood his needs.
“I’m sorry, Sis!” he whispered. “You have enough to worry about … work, and … I guess, you feel lonely, too!”
Morgan smiled. She pushed him away to smile into his eyes. He thought how pretty his sister was. He smiled back. He was suddenly mighty proud of his older sister. She would make a wonderful bride for some lucky guy. He had rarely ever thought of her as attractive. She certainly had a great figure, but —it was her smile that made it look so radiant.
It was the first of many times Hugh talked to Morgan. They had time together on Sundays, and Tuesdays and Thursdays when Elly was away and Morgan was home.
“Sis,” he said one day, “sometimes I—imagine Elly as I lie in bed, and I … and I …” he grew very red. “Just forget it,” he said, blushing furiously, shaking his head.
Morgan suppressed a smile. “It’s all right,” she said softly. “Just don’t get confused between what’s imaginary and what’s real.”
He looked at her, startled.
“Why did you say that?”
It was Morgan’s turn to blush. “When you fantasize about someone over and over, Hughie, … you begin to forget that they’re not yours, you know? And you see them with someone else, and you freak out. Some day, you might see Elly with—whoever … and you have to be prepared for that day, Hughie.” He watched her, curiously. She seemed to be hunched over her dishes. “It could be painful.”
“She’s a lesbian,” Hugh said. “She told me.” Why had he told her that? “Be careful; don’t get too close to her,” he warned. He couldn’t bear the thought of Elly seducing his sister, maybe forcing her into sex—whatever lesbians did to other girls. He couldn’t imagine Elly doing anything hurtful like that, but he didn’t want to think that his own sister could be Elly’s victim. “Don’t tempt her!”
“I’ll be careful,” Morgan said, so low he could barely hear her.
The next day, Elly was in the kitchen when Hugh came home. It was difficult, because he had been fantasizing about her all day, and he was almost bursting out of his skin with desire for her.
“Hi!” he said briskly, giving her a businesslike smile.
“Hi,” she said, her huge, lovely eyes making him weak-kneed. She looked a little disappointed at his brusque greeting. Hugh went straight upstairs, not daring to breathe.
He threw his bag on the floor, and struggled to take his clothes off. He wanted to be absolutely naked while he lay in bed and thought of her. He was totally dripping with some kind of sexual stuff that was coming out of his pores. His penis was standing straight out, almost four times its usual size, aching to be touched, yet he didn’t dare, because he just knew a single touch would make it explode, and it would be over.
He stood at his mirror, staring at himself. His penis was so erect, it was against his stomach. He saw some suntan oil on his dresser, and picked it up. He tip-toed to his bed, lay down, and began to apply the oil all over his body, as slowly as he could, gently, hardly daring to breathe. From time to time he lay back, almost certain that he could just will himself to explode in a shower of semen.
Elly began to make the sandwich filling. She knew Hugh liked to do it, really; he had all sorts of silly things he would add: a dash of this and a dash of that, none of which made any difference, as far as she could tell, but still, it made him happy.
He was gone a long time, and something clicked in her mind. It was so quiet, she couldn’t even hear him moving. “Hughie?” she called softly, and there was no answer.
Somehow, she found herself climbing the stairs, unable to stop herself. She knew she was spying, but she had to do it. She wasn’t trying to be quiet, but she was, and she could hear him breathing, just barely. Taking a deep breath, she turned into his open door, and saw him lying on his bed, naked, shining with oil,
He looked at her in silence, not breathing. She looked at him; at his eyes, at his penis, engorged, lying on his stomach, and back at his face.
She approached slowly, afraid to make a sudden movement.
“May I touch you?” she whispered, her eyes full of his beauty. He only sighed his consent; he could not talk.
Slowly she reached for the little bottle of oil, and wet her hand. Then she stroked oil on the skin around the penis, her eyes riveted on it. She could feel his tension, he was almost humming with it. Finally she dared to touch it, feeling it in her hand, the wonder of it, and felt something of what other women must feel. The plastic imitations she had often been fucked with were nothing compared to the real thing, its hardness, its softness, its texture, the energy that throbbed through it, the desire that was packed inside it, packed to bursting. She bent close and laid her cheek against it, and in a second, it was ejaculating, streaming thick, gelatinous on her cheek, in her hair, down her neck. Hugh groaned in ecstasy, his trembling hands groping for her head, pressing her tight against himself, oblivious to everything except the need to have something, someone against his body at that moment. On and on he pumped, completely controlled by his need. If he had died that second, his body would have showered Elly with his ecstasy regardless.
Elly lay on him, weak, as spent as he. Then she lifted her head to study the stuff that had made such a mess of her face and neck and hair. She knew about it in theory of course, but it was something else to actually touch and feel it. It was warm, almost hot, and fragrant, a wonderful, rich, mind-blowing fragrance that she would never forget. She rubbed a couple of fingers in it, her eyes closed, immersing herself in the sensuousness of it. She touched it to her mouth, tasting it, watching his eyes as she did it, unwilling to waste a second of this glorious experience they had shared.
A long time later they were downstairs, making sandwiches.
“Why did you do it?”
“I don’t know.”
“Was it disgusting?”
“No … it was beautiful.”
“Oh god, only you could say that!”
Silence. Elly made her first sandwich and handed it to him. It seemed the right thing to do. She watched him eat it, feeling the sensuousness of it.
“Do you think you could—love a boy?”
She sighed. “I love you, Hugh. That’s not what you need from me.”
“Why, Elly? If it was so beautiful … why can’t you … why can’t we …”
She shrugged.
“Beauty alone is not enough!” He deserved someone who could love him, not just his body. And she could not love him the way he wanted her to.
But this shared experience was a problem. He would always hold it out to her, challenging her to say that it meant nothing, and she knew she could never lie about that. It had been a pivotal experience for both of them, something that would change her whole life.
“I shouldn’t have done that,” she said softly. “I was wrong; I should have known better!” She was so upset, she was in tears. “By doing that, I’ve hurt you too much! Hugh, I didn’t mean what I did! Do you understand, Hugh? I was lying when I did those things! It was a lie, all a lie!”
“Don’t be upset, Elly,” he said, trying to console her, frustrated at the turn in the topic. “I don’t think you were lying, you know. Sometimes your hands and your—cheek …” he choked on his words, “… sometimes they tell the truth when you’re too afraid to admit it!” He continued to babble nonsense in that vein, sensitive to Elly’s mood, afraid that their relationship had been hurt beyond repair, desperately in need of reassurance that Elly would not run away.
What could Elly do?
Her first duty, thinking far ahead, was to be to the Green men what Morgan’s spouse should have been. If Morgan were to have married a man, he would be an in-law, a member of their extended family, someone who helped them in times of need, a brother and a son. Elly had to be a sister and a daughter; that was what custom demanded.
It would take a long, long time before they would be comfortable in taking that view, once they knew what Elly was.
Elly had a roast cooking slowly in the oven. Peggy had told her how it was done, and she had been excited about presenting them with it at supper. Now look at what she had done. It was all ruined because of a stupid lapse in self-control. In her annoyance at herself, she began to furiously focus on supper. She cleared the table, ignoring Hugh, and began to work on the vegetable.
“I’ll help you!”
“I’m fine, Hugh, really. Just let me get this finished …”
“You don’t want me around any more?”
She could hardly bear to look up at his broken-hearted face. How could she explain to him how much she loved him? She wondered whether straight men could ever understand the nuances of love.
“Just not right now, Hughie,” she said quietly. “We both have to—get over what we—what I did. Just go do your homework.”
He left silently, and Elly laid her head in her hands and tried to calm her racing mind.
Unable to face Morgan, Elly was gone by the time she arrived.
“Where are you?” she asked.
Her soft voice made Elly cry.
“I have to talk to you!” Elly said.
“What’s happened? Hughie seems to be all upset. Did you both have a fight?” Morgan was speaking softly, and Elly knew she was concerned about being overheard in the tiny house.
“Can you come out to the drugstore? I’ll meet you there and explain!”
“It’s dangerous, Elly. I don’t want you coming here after dark by yourself.”
There was a brief silence. “I’ll borrow the car, and I’ll pick you up.”
Elly didn’t even lean over to hug her when she got into the van. She was hunched over the wheel looking more upset than Morgan had ever seen her.
Elly pulled out, and began to drive. Once she was on the highway, headed South, Morgan began to drag the story reluctantly out of her.
“The little pervert,” Morgan cursed. “With the door wide open!”
“It wasn’t wide open, just open,” Elly said quickly. “I’m so sorry!”
Morgan sat quietly, and Elly could see her trying to make sense out of the story.
“Do you think that …” Elly could see her trying to soften the question, “… that Hugh might believe you’re—falling in love with him?”
“I think that’s probably what’s happening; I mean, I know he thinks that. Oh god, the things I did … it was disgusting!” Morgan couldn’t bear the self-condemnation in her voice. “… I rubbed the stuff all over my face and hair … it’s like I was taken over by someone—something else. I don’t know what I am, or who I am anymore, Morgan!”
Elly dared not tell her that all she could think of was sex with Hugh. There was a fascinating wrongness about it that drew her, a kind of animal lust that she didn’t know she had in her. Of course, she had pretended with Tom, in those terrible days she wanted to forget. Hugh reminded her of Tom so much; that lean hard body, that fierce passion, the convulsive explosion of the climax when it came, the soft tenderness afterwards.
But Morgan was completely different. They had had sex only a couple of times; and it was never the important thing for them. Sure, Elly was a lusty girl, and they had both been desperate for sex. Morgan had made love like a drowning woman. But the soft comfort they felt in each other’s company was something completely different than they had ever felt with anyone else. Something unique, a kind of home. And Elly feared that it was gone. She knew that among some lesbians, to have a partner return to a man was a kind of defeat, an admission that they weren’t self-sufficient.
Elly pulled off the highway onto a country road, and pulled into a churchyard. They looked around to see if they would be disturbed. Silently they had come to realize that they needed to find out if what they felt for each other had changed.
It hadn’t. All the magic was there, intact.
At first Morgan had been restrained, reticent, even if not outright reluctant. But Elly had made her believe that she loved her. In the back of the van, with the blanket Elly had found under the seat spread out over the rug, Elly had allowed Morgan to retake possession of her body. They had made love silently, until Morgan had asked Elly, her face looming over her, her eyes looking right into her own, do you love me? Was it because Elly could never say no, with Morgan’s hand deep inside her, as she felt herself falling, falling, held up only by Morgan’s hand, or was it because Morgan felt that she could not lie at that moment? But she never hesitated. Yes, she said, I love you like crazy.
Helen called Crystal up, asking whether she would like to come over for dinner on Friday, and stay the night. Crystal said she’d call her back, and an hour later said yes, she was free.
Crystal was a retiring but interesting presence at dinner, that Friday. The Garabedians had eaten early with Matt, and left the house to Helen and Maryssa and the family, and their guest. It was only the second time she had come out to Primrose, and the first time she had spent much time at all with the children. Jeannie had also been invited, and she and Erin sat near Crystal, making her feel at home, and telling her jokes that kept them all in stitches. Crystal had a pretty smile, and tended to blush when she was amused, which made Elly chuckle. It was fascinating for Elly to study the woman her mother had fallen in love with, but before long Elly gave up the attempt to keep in mind who Crystal was in relation to herself, and simply allowed herself to get to know her as an individual. Under that pretty skin and smiling face was a staunch, determined girl that Elly decided she, too, might easily have fallen in love with.
“So how has school been, so far?”
“Very nice,” Crystal said, nodding at Helen, as Maryssa studied her with interest. “I’m taking Spanish, Philosophy, Math for elementary teachers, Drawing, and Biology,” she told them.
“Drawing?”
“Yeah, like with pastels, and pencils, and charcoal sticks—that kind of thing.”
“Mama is a wonderful drawer, aren’t you, Mama?” said Erin.
“Well, you’re a good drawer—or should I say: artist—too, honey!”
Erin shook her head. “Nuh-uh,” said Erin, quickly, shaking her head, “not me! I can draw a tree, and that’s about it!” There was laughter all round.
“Lots of homework?”
“Oh yes, tons. You mean just in Drawing, or all together?”
“All together,” Helen said, smiling.
“Oh, yes, uh huh. And Math is a little hard, too.”
“Really? So what is this math like?” Elly wanted to know.
“Well, this is what we learn so we can teach math, you see? It’s not just math for little kids, it’s math for adults, and a little technique, and how it really works, so that we really understand what’s going on behind the math,” she said, using her hands expressively, her eyes serious. With a little more prodding, she described more of what the course contained—thus far, at least—and they all listened with interest. Allie wanted to know whether Crystal would be ready to teach little kids like her, and Crystal said yes, all kids up until Grade Six. Allie seemed impressed at that.
Crystal never relaxed so much that she could chatter away like the others, but she became quite comfortable, and certainly quite happy to enjoy the company.
“Do you always have so much fun at dinner?” she asked Elly, smiling.
Elly grinned and said no, they didn’t all usually meet for Friday; this was special for Crystal.
“That’s why I got to stay over!” said Jeannie, also grinning.
The following day Helen, Jeannie and the children had planned to clean out the fish tank. Meanwhile Maryssa had a date with her beau. Since Crystal was with them, she joined in, too. Sensibly dressed in jeans and a T-shirt, she joined the crew. Elly was gone on her usual mysterious errands, and Helen let Erin and Jeannie supervise the whole operation, with Crystal and the little ones doing the actual work.
“I never had fish,” Crystal admitted thoughtfully. “I had a cat, though.”
“You did?” asked Allie, wide-eyed. “Mama, are cats difficult to look after?”
Helen rolled her eyes, while Crystal looked repentant at having brought the topic up. The kids had only had the fish a few months, and Helen firmly said she would first have to see how well the fish did.
Jeannie supervised the cleaning of the tank, while Erin kept an eye on the fish in their temporary home, and James who was watching them. The tank was too dirty to clean with the fish still in it.
“There seems to be a lot of uneaten food around,” Crystal observed, gently. “That can’t be good for them.”
“You’ve been over-feeding them,” said Jeannie to Allie.
“It isn’t me, it’s James!” Allie said, indignantly. “James, you listen to Jeannie!”
“What, Jeannie?”
“You’ve been overfeeding the fish; I’ve told you before!”
“Hey, they’re hungry, I feed them.”
“They just look hungry all the time, James! They’re not really hungry, just because they’ve got their mouths open!”
James looked at the girls, rather like a hungry fish himself, and Crystal began to laugh.
Unexpectedly, when Helen visited Seattle for one of her monthly "tapings" of the Galaxy show, she collapsed on the set, complaining of an intense headache, and was hurried to hospital. A CAT-scan indicated an enormous tumor, pressing on the Optic Nerve, and they operated immediately. When it was over, they learned that Helen had lost her memory almost completely. She was a total amnesiac.
Physically, except for the amnesia, she was perfectly fine. But her personality was oddly different: she behaved more like a teenager. Elly was the one she related to best, but she learned that Maryssa was in love with her, and was looking after her children, and out of a sense of duty, the new Helen loved Maryssa as devotedly as she could.
Lorna and Tommy looked aghast at Helen, who was staring at them suspiciously.
“Please sit down, and introduce yourselves,” she said coolly. “I can’t remember anything, really; it’s pretty hopeless.”
“This is Tomasina, your half-sister,” Lorna said.
“Hi, Tomasina,” Helen said, softening her smile a little and offering her hand. She looked her up and down, and nodded. “I can see the—the…”
“Resemblance?”
“Yes! Resemblance, resemblance. Shit … oops. I get mad when I forget words.” She looked utterly discouraged. “Tomasina Nordstrom?”
“Tomasina Krebs, but the same father. It’s a long story!”
Helen rolled her eyes, and Tommy grinned. “Relax, sis,” she said gently, “I just wanted to check you out, and make sure you wouldn’t freak out if I called ya!”
Helen smiled and nodded, her eyes checking out all the metal Tommy wore.
“You look like a pin-cushion,” was her opinion. “You must be a punk, or something!”
“No, no; punk is on the way out. I’m just mostly a regular chick! Anyway, we’ll go over that another time!” She bent down and kissed Helen lightly on the cheek, and Helen seemed to like that. Tom felt wonderful. There was something magical about re-connecting with your sister after she had suffered amnesia. It sort of validated everything. You always suspected that she loved you out of duty, but then, here she was, trading insults, just on faith. Tom was accepted, and her heart was ready to soar.
“This is Little John. He’s the only guy in our—in Your family, except for James! Where is he, by the way?”
“Out with Maryssa,” said Tommy.
“Hi, sis! Remember me?”
Helen looked at the tall, thin boy, with eyes so like hers. Again there was that easygoing manner, but a doubt in his eyes that told her quickly that things had not been quite right between them.
“Hi, John! John Nordstrom?”
“Yeah,” he said. “Different mothers. My mom is Annie. You probably haven’t met her yet.”
“Oh, Annie. Yes, I did. Annie is you mom? Little Annie?”
“Yup, little Annie! You mean, because I’m tall?” Helen nodded, a bemused look on her face. “You’re pretty tall, too, you know? We’re a tall family!”
Lorna smiled at Helen’s pleasure in meeting her siblings. The occasion had overtones of both tragedy and celebration. It was pathetic how everyone hung on every shade of emotion expressed by Helen. Lorna wondered how damaging it was to be the center of attention, given her vulnerable state.
“And this is Elly. She was named for you, and for Eleanor, Janet’s mother. This is Janet’s daughter. By the way, Helen, your own name is Eleanor. Helen is sort of a nickname.”
“Really?”
She turned to Elly, who stood on the IV side, looking anxious, wiping her eyes.
“It’s so hard,” started Elly, “when I’ve only just gotten to know you again, just put my life together, and now you can’t remember anything!” Tommy shifted uncomfortably. The real world had come back with a vengeance, and kicked her in the gut. Elly was looking like a million bucks, and she’d have to be introduced to April sooner or later.
“It’s not my fault!” Helen said in a small voice. At least that much hadn’t changed, Tom thought. If she liked you, she’d take the blame for anything. I’ve got to learn to back down like that, Tom thought to herself. It was one of the most annoying, but also one of the most endearing qualities of her sister, to back down even when she was right. She couldn’t figure just exactly how much Helen was changed. Sometimes it seemed she had hardly changed at all.
Elly was still struggling with her thoughts and emotions.
“At least I live close to you,” she said. “When you get home, I can come spend time with you. Not for your sake; for me!” She cried and laughed, and Helen stroked her, touched by her words.
“I’d like that,” she said.
Everyone —except Helen herself— looked at Lorna, who had introduced everyone else. Lorna cleared her throat. Helen finally turned to her with a smile. She sighed with relief. She looked around the room. “It’s getting easier,” she said. “At least, I know enough to join the dots a little.” She twisted her head to look at Lorna again. “Come over here, where I can see you,” she asked, smiling. Lorna came round.
She had worn a short skirt that showed off her legs, a habit that she couldn’t quite give up. She sat on the edge of the bed, but got up, feeling awkward when Helen studied her legs.
“I’m Lorna,” she said. “I lived with you for a time, oh, two-three years ago.” Helen nodded, encouraging her. Her smile was a little stiff, and Lorna decided she had joined her dots all right. “Yes,” she said, “we were close. Then I went away to join the ballet.”
Elly took up the story.
“You have a big foundation that does a lot of charity. And Lorna is head of that.”
Helen looked wide-eyed at Lorna for confirmation, and Lorna nodded. “There’s very little to do, except put money into it,” she said. “The money magically goes out!” Helen’s grin was like a ray of sunshine.
That grin startled all of them. It was totally unlike Helen to suddenly grin like that.
The grin faded away to a soft smile, which too began to fade.
“I’m different, I know,” said Helen, with something like her adult voice. “The Helen you know and want has been … ripped out …”
“Destroyed.”
“Yes, sort of destroyed.” She calmed herself with an effort. “Amy wanted to put a violin in my hands.”
“What’s wrong with that? You could probably pick it up and play!” Elly said eagerly.
Helen shot her a reproachful look.
“I don’t want to try—and fail,” she said. “No,” she said, her mouth pressed tight, “I do want to try and fail. Then I’ll be left alone.”
“Why do you want to be left alone?” Elly asked, her eyes troubled.
“Because some people, I won’t say who, only care about me because I could play the violin really good.”
“I can assure you,” said Lorna, with deep conviction, “that there isn’t anyone like that, Helen. Your family knows better than to worry about your violin-playing. And the rest of us, your friends … we just want the chance to build up a relationship again, if we may. If your violin is such a big deal …”
“I don’t care whether it’s a big deal,” Helen shot back. “I’m … I don’t know what I’ll do!”
There was an uncomfortable silence.
“Anyway,” said Lorna, “that’s who I am!”
Helen smiled. “You’re real pretty, you know that?”
Lorna glanced around in embarrassment before she smiled awkwardly at Helen and nodded. It was hard to make your legs disappear when you wanted them to.
“You better watch out for that Amy,” she said sulkily. “She’ll have you out of here in a second.”
“Amy? What did she do?”
“I was talking to this girl, and she sent her away. If I like anyone, I guess that’s enough for her to get rid of her.”
“That doesn’t sound like our Amy,” Lorna said, frowning.
“I mean the doctor, Amy. That Amy,” said Helen, clearly irritated with everybody acting dumb.
“Come on, sis, Amy had been your best buddy for decades!” said John, who liked Amy a lot. “You’ve got to get out of this paranoia kick.”
“What did you say?”
“What—paranoia?”
“Yeah! What does it mean?”
“Ungrounded suspicion!”
Helen looked daggers at him. “You ask Lalitha what she did! She chased Melanie away!”
“Who’s Melanie?”
Helen shrank back, covering her mouth. She gave them a sly smile. “Nothing! Just forget I said anything!”
“Why, you rascal, you’ve been two-timing Maryssa!”
Helen looked distraught. “Please don’t say anything about it to … anyone!” she begged. They were thoroughly confused, but agreed to say nothing.
Lorna bent to kiss her on the cheek, and smiling to the others, left the room. Little John, Elly and Tom clung to Helen, and—to their pleasure— Helen clung to them. She told them how scared she was, and expressed relief that they were so nice.
“You’re the nice one,” Elly said, “you’re going to have to live with a lot of gratitude from me!”
“Me too,” said each of the others. Helen said she could handle that.
Meanwhile, Tom had managed to interview Morgan, and made sure she met Little John and Lorna. “Welcome to the family,” Little John said, a little ruefully.
