Elly, Episode 3

On the plane, Natasha finally allowed herself to relax.  She had counted her little party almost four times: the two little ones that she was chiefly worried about, the four teenagers, and Amy.  She had counted their luggage, too, until it had been safely checked in.

Amy sat, her face unreadable, across from Natasha, looking at the video monitor and its ceaseless inanities; Natasha had no patience with the thing.  Next to her, James sat, looking a little dazed.  She had imagined that the little fellow would be accustomed to air travel, after flying around with Helen all his life.

She caught his eye, and he smiled.  Not one of the children would hesitate to smile, that was their charm.  They had inherited, in full measure, their mother’s friendliness, even the adopted ones.
“Mama’s coming later, right?” he asked in his somewhat gruff voice.
Natasha looked at Amy and raised her eyebrows.  Amy smiled thoughtfully, and shook her head.  It had been a question about whether to tell a white lie, or the truth.
“No, James, your mother is going to be in Philadelphia!  We can call her if you want.”
“In Phillidelphia?”
“Yes!”
“Oh.”  He looked straight ahead, thoughtfully, like someone who was being forced to make new plans.  “No,” he sighed, “I’ll call her later.”


The seat next to Natasha was never occupied, and once they had climbed to cruising altitude, Natasha signaled Amy to come over.  Erin and Carol, seated next to her, were reading.

Natasha smiled at Amy.  It had taken her a while to get used to Amy’s dry manner, but she knew it hid a kind heart.  It seemed to Natasha that Amy was dealing with almost unbearable conditions.  If it had been she, Natasha thought, she would have walked away long ago.  Yet Natasha had really gotten to like the brother and sister the previous night, and they didn’t seem at all like her conception of gold-diggers, which she had assumed them to be.  There was dignity and generosity there, and a kind of caution that told her volumes about how they came to be in their present pass, alone, with no friends.

“I’m so happy you decided to come,” Natasha said quietly, tactfully not mentioning that Amy’s motives weren’t clear.
Amy smothered a sigh, and smiled.  “I—just wanted her to have a little time,” she said, answering the unasked question.  “And I can’t bear to be away from the children,” she admitted.
Natasha sighed.  “It is such a puzzle, how to help her,” she confided.  “Sometimes she acts like such a baby!”
Amy laughed.
“But in public she does very nicely,” she pointed out.  “Last night she behaved very well.”
“Oh, of course, yes.  The in-laws were there, n’est ce pas?”
Amy stared at her a second and then grinned.  “No, … it wasn’t just that; she wants all of us to like each other.  Her team, you know!  How do you say team in French?”
“Team, yes, I understand perfectly.  It is a good word.  She wants to make a big family.  All her friends and everybody, no?”
“Exactly.  She enjoys having a large crowd of people.  But then, she hates it, too.  She’s all contradictions.”
“You understand her so well!”
“Thirty years, Natasha.  Almost thirty years.  I was twenty-something, she was a college kid.  It was love at first sight.  You understand, love-at-first-sight?”
“What are you asking, cherie?  We French invented this love-at-first—what you say.  But of course! ”
Amy smiled.  “She’s told me how she feels about you,” she said with a sly grin.
“Me?”  Natasha blushed prettily. “What does she say?”
Amy shook her head mischievously.  “Can’t; that would be telling.”
“Nothing bad, eh?”
“No … nothing bad at all.  Quite the opposite, in fact!”
“Oh dear, more trouble for Amy!”
“No trouble,” Amy smiled.



Helen visited the Brookses a couple of days after the dinner, and was received graciously by Maryssa.  She led Helen out to the little sitting room, and proudly brought out some cookies she had been making.

“You made these?”
“Yes!  What do you think?”
They were wonderful, and Helen said so.  “I shouldn’t eat too many of them,” she said quietly.
“Well, of course you shouldn’t,” Maryssa acknowledged, a trifle amusedly.  “But they’re sugar free!”
“Uh-uh!  No way,” Helen contradicted her, tasting the cookie carefully.  Not only did it taste wonderful, it had a wonderful chewy texture.
“Yes, they really are!” Maryssa insisted, excitedly.  “I invented them myself!  You know what I did?  I put in honey instead of sugar!  There’s not a bit of sugar in them at all!”
Helen laughed so hard she nearly choked.  Maryssa was very indignant indeed.  Helen gave her a long hug, and explained, trying hard to refrain from laughing, that honey and molasses and maple syrup all were kinds and forms of sugar, and they were all equally forbidden.  Maryssa was utterly downcast, and it took a lot of work to cheer her up.
“They’re good, though,” Helen said, taking another one.
“That’s enough for you,” Maryssa said in alarm, confiscating the rest of them.
“Did you really invent the recipe?”
Maryssa nodded, a little suspiciously, expecting more humiliation.
“Do you think you could invent a really sugar-free recipe?”
“Oh, sure, as long as I know what you’re allowed to eat,” she said, a little doubtfully.  Helen proceeded to tell her exactly what constituted sugar substitutes, and she carefully wrote everything down in her precise, spiky handwriting.  Helen was sure she kept a diary somewhere, that journalled everything that had ever happened to her, and Helen longed to read what she might have written about her.
“Maryssa, I think it was a brilliant idea to have the family to supper.  Even if I did help a little, I think you were very brave, and I want to give you something as thanks for it!”
“Oh!”  Maryssa covered her face with her hands.  Helen waited, worried, until she finally dropped her hands and looked at Helen, her face red.
“I sort of made a promise to myself never to do that again,” she said in a tiny voice.
“Why?  It was brilliant!”
Maryssa smiled indulgently.  Helen’s heart churned inside her, as she fixed the moment in her memory.  Now, at last, she had someone to talk about Maryssa with.  David didn’t seem to mind her carrying on about how wonderful Maryssa was.
“I’m glad you enjoyed it,” Maryssa said.  “Looking back, it was a lot of fun!”
“Then—why?”
Maryssa’s face looked serious.  “I didn’t realize how much of a gamble it was,” she said softly.  “I began to panic when I saw you all pour out of the car.  If there had been more—strangers—I would have really … really panicked.  Luckily there was only—Natasha?” Helen nodded.  “Only Natasha,” she finished.  Her eyes widened.  “What if there had been more?”
“But—Natasha wouldn’t hurt a fly!  Maryssa, you saw her!  What’s bringing on all this imagined fear of strangers?”
“Well, I was just vague about exactly who was coming, that’s all!”
“Oh.  Well, it’s always better to know, so there’s no surprises, I suppose.”
“Exactly!”
Helen looked at her, bemused.
The day came when Helen sat with Elly, and told her her troubles.
“Yeah,” said Elly, “I guessed most of that.”
“Pretty obvious, huh?”
“Uh huh.  Maryssa seems a lot more interesting when you talk about her, though,” Elly remarked.  “She seemed just a pleasant gal, not an oversexed demon!”
Helen laughed.  “That civilized exterior covers a tigress,” she said.  “Seriously, though … she’s innocent, loving, generous, … I’m dying of love, Elly!”
Elly laughed.  “You’re such a lovesick puppy, Aunt Helen!  You’re hopeless!”
Helen looked at her, hurt.  “You’re supposed to sympathize!  A great help you are, Miss You’re A Lovesick Puppy!  As if you’ve never been in love!”
Elly’s brown eyes flinched, and she gave Helen such a look of pain that Helen’s heart stopped.
“Your turn,” she said softly.

It was a sad story.  It started at the end, backed up to the beginning, rushed through to the end, backed up to the middle … and Helen’s sympathetic heart felt Elly’s bruises with her.  It was a tale of desperate love, pride, betrayal, cowardice, forgiveness, more pride, more betrayal, foolishness, stubbornness, callousness, stupidity, remorse and shame.
At the end of it, Elly sat, her face red, but dry-eyed.  She looked at her adopted aunt stony-faced.  It was love that made her tell it all, but she was by no means confident that Helen would accept it as it was intended, now that she was done.  Once she had started, pride had made her continue.  The money was on the table, and fate held the cards.  Elly waited with almost clinical curiosity for Helen’s verdict.  If Helen betrayed her trust, she was ready to leave the house.  One chance was all she was gonna get.
She loved Helen very much.  But that was different.  She loved her whole family.  But a time came when you had to smile and walk out the door.  She had waited as long as she could for this moment.  Everything she had learned about Helen so far pointed to the fact that Helen would be cool.
“Elly,” said Helen, blithely unaware of the stakes, “there are lots of people in the world who are interested in what you do.  Some of them care about your grades most of all.  Will Elly deliver the goods?  That’s the big question for them.  Darling, you have to believe that your mom and I are not in that crowd.  There might be very few people in that crowd that you care about!”
“Hmm!  An interesting thought for all you listeners out there,” said Elly, sarcastically.  Her face had that stony look again, and she watched Helen with narrowed eyes.  “Oh yes.  We pay big bucks to send you out to big-name schools, but be aware that we don’t care whether you make the grades!  No sirree.  We just want you to build your character!  That’s what counts!”
Helen smiled.  “Look kid, I’m the pet hate du jour of the USA, and I’m trying not to let it bother me.  You might think I don’t care about your problems, but I do!  But see, girl, you’ve got to separate the real problems from the imaginary problems.  It’s a kind of game, and your strategy depends on what you think the consequences are likely to be.  If you’re confused about the consequences, how can you choose?”
“You’re a fine one to talk, Helen.  I mean, look at you: stuck between three people you’re in love with at the same time, I don’t see you assessing consequences!  But when it comes to me, it’s all about consequences.”
Helen turned red.  Elly’s hostility was clear, and instinctively Helen suspected that she had placed a premium on the outcome of this conversation.  The point was not any longer to win the argument, but to keep Elly’s trust.  And Helen was constitutionally incapable of compromising her principles in an argument.
“You’re going to pick a fight with me, and you’re going to walk out,” Helen accused her.
Elly shook her head.  “I’m not going to pick a fight, Helen, but I’m certainly ready to walk out.  I’ve had my fill of shallow advice, and I’m here as a last resort.  I didn’t see it that way at first, but now that I’ve told you everything, I’m waiting for an intelligent analysis.  If you don’t have it, I’m off.”
“So, if I say the wrong thing, you’re out of here?”
“I didn’t quite say that, but yes!  Why not?”
Helen smiled uncomfortably.  She was half afraid of the situation, and half amused.  It had been many years since she had been afraid of failure, and the sensation was pleasantly unfamiliar.  Then she got a brainwave.
“Elly … will you let me write you a letter, so that if you decide to …”
“Walk out?”
“… yes, walk out, as you say, you can read it at your leisure?  I want to write it first, so that it isn’t full of apologies and crap like that.  Please?”
Elly gave her a rather feral grin.  “You’re getting silly, Helen!”  Helen’s face lost all its expression, and Elly thought it was better to humor her.  “Go ahead,” she said, with a casual wave.
Helen perspired over the note.  It had to be brief, and it had to be substantial.  And it had to be written so that Elly wouldn’t throw it away in disgust.  Cursing silently, she wrote.  She had typed her letters for so long, she had lost the habit of writing by hand.
Finally it was done.  She found an envelope, and put it in.  She hurried out to the porch where they had been sitting, and placed it on the table.
“The envelope, please!”
“No, that’s for when—and if—you walk out.”
“I’m curious now.  The only way I can read it is to walk out!”
“Well, no, I guess you can read it even if you stay, Elly.”
“All right.  The verdict, then.”
“Verdict?  You want me to pronounce judgement on you?”
“Okay, advice, then.”
The story had been all about Elly’s relationship with Tommy, and the consequences of them.  They had, in the innocence of their freshman year, decided to take a year away from each other, and Tommy had picked up a boy friend and done very well, while Elly had had one sexual adventure after another, made incredibly bad grades, cut herself off from the anxious Tommy, become somewhat of a misanthrope, actually hurt another girl physically, fallen in love with her and ruined her school career, and so on, and so on.  She was suspended now, having managed to evade suspension thus far only by the intercession of kind-hearted faculty members.
It was hard to find anything positive in the litany of shame Helen had been subject to for nearly an hour.
Helen shook her head.
“Well,” she sighed, “you probably feel like a failure, but golly, Elly, you’ve worked at it so hard!”
Elly nodded.  “Right.  I brought it on myself.”  She looked at Helen with disgust.  “Any idiot could have told me that! ”
“Whew, that’s a relief.  I thought I had said something stupid.”
“You done already?  I’ll take the envelope and be off, then!”
“Elly, sit down and listen.”  She sat down on the edge of her seat, ready to rise any second.  “There are certain things I’m qualified to talk about.  Talent, luck, love, humility, patience, desire.  Other things I’m not: hard work, memorization, cheating on exams, doing poorly in courses, getting suspended.  Why don’t you ask me what you want to know?  Why make me guess for the magic answer you want to hear?”
“Aunt Helen,” Elly said, using the term of respect for the first time in more than an hour, but using it with sarcasm, “I’ll be honest with you.  Our college experience has been so different, it’s like asking a fish what it feels like to be an elephant.  I obviously have ‘issues’ I have to resolve, and you have no words of wisdom for me at this time.  Okay, I’m not walking out, I’m just heading out—I don’t know where.”
“You didn’t hear the part about humility!”
“What has humility got to do with it?”
“Well, it takes humility to take instruction from people of inferior talent.  It takes humility to have to take a course when you know all the content.  It takes humility to accept the love of someone, when that someone is doing better than you, and you’ve agreed to stay away from her.”
Elly stared at her.  “If you think I’m embarrassed by what you said, think again.  I didn’t do well in college, Aunt Helen, but I’m not stupid, you know.  I think I have enough humility to see that I’ve made mistakes.  But if that’s all you have, why, I’ll be going, then.”
“It takes humility to trust someone, you know.”
Elly sighed.
“Will you trust me that I’m not going to humiliate you?”
“I’ll try.”
“Well, why don’t you try to analyze some of your own failures?”
Elly was furious, so furious that Helen’s heart sank.
Her eyes wide, Helen spread her arms in helplessness.  “I don’t want to rub your nose in stuff you’ve recognized already, Elly.  Once you’re finished, I’ll try to talk about some things you haven’t noticed.  I’m absolutely non-judgmental.  I’m trying to give the situation the Elly-eye view, not the professor-eye-view, you understand?  I don’t see your success in college as a test of your value as a person, Elly!  It’s simply something that makes you useful to people, that’s all!  Once in a while, a person comes along who doesn’t fit into that mold, and you might be one of those!  For god’s sake, Elly, I’m in love with one: Maryssa never finished high school!”
“Really?”
“Yes!  Grade nine, I believe.  She didn’t know honey is sugar!”
To Helen’s relief, Elly smiled.  After thinking a while, she asked, “You really believe college might not agree with some people?”
“Certainly!”
She thought some more.
“But … for me, I have to do the college thing.”
Helen barely suppressed a gasp.
“Why do you say that?” she asked, as calmly as she could.
“Because I’m an intellectual.”
As preposterous as that sounded, it was all of a piece of what she had known of Elly.
“But so is Maryssa, and I take her very seriously.”  This was brinkmanship of the worst kind, but some madness drove Helen to live dangerously.
“No, it’s not that.  It’s … Aunt Helen, I want to be a professor.”
Helen was astounded.
“Why do you say that, Elly?  Of course … that makes a difference!”
“Because … I don’t know … I guess I’ve always wanted to do the things you do!”

Helen was so mad, she threw a cushion at Elly.  She gave her a tirade about how cruelly Elly had treated her, how she had her believing that she would have walked out on her, and did she know how much she had Helen worried, and on and on.  Elly calmly replied that she had indeed been ready to walk out, and she still was.
“But … you just said …”
Elly sighed.  “I said I wanted to do the things you do, but—that doesn’t mean you have any advice for me, you realize?”  Helen stared at her open-mouthed.  “What worked for you might not work for me, and I’m beginning to realize that even you can’t see that obvious fact!”
“Well, darling … the road is clear.  Suspension —academic suspension, which is not the end of the world— simply means that they want you to go to a different school.  You can go permanently, or you can go until you’ve got enough high credits that they’ll take you back.”
“Yeah.”
“So we pick a school, you go there, and try again!”
“The same old thing will happen.”
“If Tom isn’t there to see you fail, maybe you won’t mind failure quite as much.”
Elly looked at Helen thoughtfully.  “You’d think that all this terrible record will keep me from becoming a professor!”
“Not necessarily.  Especially if you change your major.”
“I never had a major.  I never declared a major!”
“What would you like to do?  What are you interested in?”
“Music, music, music!  At least, that’s what I thought.”
“Do you want to be a music professor, or don’t you care what subject it’s in?”
Elly shrugged.  “I don’t know.  I just don’t know,” she said, and finally she was beginning to sound like the niece Helen loved so dearly.

The long conversation was beginning to take its toll on Helen’s strength.  She begged Elly not to decide to walk out that afternoon, and Elly agreed not to with a heavy sigh.  Just then, David came in, and asked what they were talking about.
Helen was surprised when Elly told him exactly what they had been discussing.  She left out the personal details, but acquainted him with the academic facts with admirable candidness.  Helen slipped away holding little Ruth’s hand while David and Elly settled into a long discussion.

[K]

Elly 2

The phone was vibrating on the table, and Helen looked around, half asleep, wondering where she was. Oh yes, she was on the sofa, and the coffee-table was making a noise. She picked up the phone and asked who it was, not yet quite awake.
“Aunt Helen? Can someone come and get me at the airport? Or I can catch a bus, honest, if it’s too much trouble.”
Elly sounded weary and half asleep herself. It woke Helen completely.
“Stay put, I’m coming. Which terminal are you in?”
“I don’t know … USAir, anyway. It’s sort of red, and …”
Helen asked for the flight number, and told her to wait near the baggage claim. She looked at the time: six O’clock. She stood up, feeling wobbly, and felt mildly nauseous. She smiled to herself. At last, she was feeling like she ought to!
She had to use the bathroom. Picking up her phone, she walked heavily to the little half-toilet under the stairs, and noticed that it had been raining heavily, and was still raining.
The phone rang.
“I thought you might be up,” Maryssa said cheerfully.
“Hey, if I’d been asleep, I’d be pretty upset!”
“But you’re not!”
“Hmm!” grumbled Helen. “I’m peeing, if you have to know.”
“Oh, how awkward!”
“My niece—well, sort-of niece; she’s the daughter of an ex girlfriend—she’s in the airport, and I’ve gotta pick her up.”
Maryssa was instantly alert. “Helen, you shouldn’t be driving around in this weather in the state you’re in. I’ll ask Matt to go get her.”
“But they don’t know each other, Maryssa! She’ll be uncertain whether to go with him …”
“I’ll go, too! Anyway, we’re a little closer to the airport.”
“No, actually I am. There, I’m done. I’m off.”
“Helen, I know: why don’t Matt and I pick you up?” Maryssa asked, excitedly. “I never get to go out at all! I love going to the airport!”
It was true, she did.

Maryssa and Matt Brooks were the daughter and son of Diane Elman, a well-known celebrity photographer, who had done a series on Helen the previous summer. Helen had met Matt quite by accident, and had been invited to their home, and introduced to their mother before it had dawned on either Helen or Diane exactly who the other was. They had thought that Matt had gotten lucky with this beautiful blonde, after all these years. When Helen had been introduced to Maryssa, though, within minutes the woman had identified Helen as THE Helen Nordstrom, musician and TV actress, whom Matt had a smaller chance of settling down with than with almost any other woman in the world. But everything had gone crazy over the summer, and Helen had gotten pregnant, as we know, and was in love with both brother and sister. Perhaps it was their beauty that appealed to her, perhaps it was the fact that they were so innocent, brought up almost completely isolated from the outside world, and now in their early thirties. Matt somehow got around, and was a catalog model, while Maryssa was unemployed. Their family fortune was rapidly dwindling, and it was Maryssa's realization that maybe more hung on her relationship with Helen than just her personal happiness that had triggered off her sudden decision to go slow with their crazy romance. Maryssa wanted their relationship to have a solid foundation in mutual regard, rather than simply sex and passion. And that was why, indirectly, Helen had found herself sleeping on the couch. Now Maryssa wanted to go out to the Airport to pick up Helen's niece whom she had never met.

Helen sighed, and gave in. In no time at all, the brother and sister, looking as if they had stepped out of the pages of an expensive catalog, met her at the doorstep, and they drove off in the Mercedes with Matt at the wheel, while Maryssa fussed with Helen’s hair and tried to make her look halfway decent.
“There,” she said, putting the last touches on Helen’s face, “just a little something to take off the shine. You look so fresh and clean even when you stumble out of bed!” Helen smiled at her indulgently. “Tell me more about this young lady!”
Helen sighed and launched into a brief description of Elly and her colorful life.
“So she’s a musician, too, and … sort of in an ongoing honeymoon relationship with your half-sister! It sounds so interesting!” (That was a reference to the fact that Tommy was, indeed, Helen's half-sister. Sixteen years ago, in Helen's topsy-turvy College days, Helen had been in love with Janet. Helen's mother had died, and to cut a long story short, Old Elly and John Nordstrom had conceived Tommy together. It was romantic, but it complicated everything.)

“She’s had a bad year at college,” Helen said glumly, talking about Elly. “I wanted her so much to do brilliantly. Sis has done well, all As and Bs. That makes it worse, of course.”
“I imagine it would,” Maryssa agreed.
She looked the picture of cool relaxed elegance, reclining on her side of the seat. She looked unreasonably happy, looking Helen up and down appraisingly. Helen tried to imagine them living together, and it seemed rather a stretch. Maryssa’s style was so elegant and relaxed, while Helen was all about running like crazy to keep up with things. She remembered being all in control, some time long ago. She had been ‘together.’ But not for many, many months.
“USAir. We’re here,” announced Matt. He looked intently in through the glass, and murmured, “Is that her, I wonder?”
“Yes, I think it is!”
“She looks like you,” he said, cheerily.
“She’s no relation, Matt, you’re hopeless!”
“I thought she was her niece!”
They all got out, leaving the flashers on. Matt had a way of making security turn a blind eye on the Mercedes. Helen hurried in, and Elly turned just then and saw her.
“Aunt Helen!”

Elly saw her favorite aunt, beautifully fleshed-out in the middle stages of pregnancy, her glorious blonde hair more luxuriously shiny than usual, accompanied by a beautiful couple, slim and graceful, their features sharp, almost elfin, the girl’s eyes beautifully turned up, her eyebrows perfectly arched, the man tall and well-muscled, like a model. They were beautifully dressed, with elegant wool overcoats. Helen, too, wore an old woolen coat.
Elly had one big bag and a back-pack. As Helen took Elly into her arms for a warm hug, the couple reached for her bags.
“Oh Elly, it’s so wonderful to see you!” And suddenly Aunt Helen was wiping her eyes. The smile never left her face, so they were tears of happiness, Elly concluded. Impulsively, Elly kissed away the tears. She could never help the deep affection she felt for this eccentric woman. They had so incredibly much in common!
“Elly, I’d like you to meet a very, very special friend, Maryssa Brooks, …” Elly shook hands with the girl, who gave Elly a warm smile and a soft hello in a cultured voice, “and another very special friend, Matt Brooks, Maryssa’s brother!”
Matt gave her a shy smile and shook her hand vigorously, her large bag effortlessly tucked under his arm. “Pleased to meet you!” he said, in a more brisk, masculine version of his sister’s slow speech. Elly filed away all her first impressions for detailed analysis later on. They got into the car, and Elly was given the honor of riding shotgun.
“I thought we’d eat breakfast, and then take you home,” Matt said. “What do you say?”
“No Matt; it’s austerity at the Nordstrom residence, you know. And besides, breakfast is a big event at our house, even if we only have a slice of bread and two glasses of water,” Helen said, her eyes twinkling at Matt in the mirror.
“Oh come on, Helen, we never get to eat out!” complained Matt. Elly decided she liked him right away.
“Matt, she’s coming to dinner tonight, remember?” Maryssa said, smiling.
“Oh, right.”
“And she’s a bit jet-lagged, I expect. Are you still a little drowsy, sweetheart?”
“No, I’m fine,” Elly said, immediately feeling a little drowsy.
Before long, the car drew up outside the rented house, and little Allie looked out, eyes wide.
“It’s a Mercedes,” she announced to those inside, “it’s Mrs Elman’s car!”
Soon she was joined at the door by Erin and Natasha. They all climbed out, and the family met Matt for the first time, and renewed their acquaintance with Maryssa.
“You’re welcome to breakfast,” Helen said to them both. “It won’t be as austere as I made it sound! Please stay!”
Maryssa looked at her brother, and a silent conversation flashed between them.
“We’d love to!” Maryssa said, graciously.

For the first time in days, it seemed, it was a pleasant, even a jolly breakfast. The children were delighted to have Elly, who had completely forgotten her black mood, and once again became the life and soul of the party. Natasha watched with amusement. It was hard to believe what an unhappy household it had been. Even Betsy and her children joined in the party, and Helen and the Brookses were able to watch it all, smiling from a safe distance. James and Allie were in great form, trying to be as clever as the older girls, with hilarious results.
Amy watched the trio of adults with interest. The artificial behavior between Helen and Maryssa of earlier visits was gone. Instead, Amy saw an honest affection between all three of them, Helen, Matt and Maryssa, but moderated by a certain careful graciousness, a courtliness that Amy found herself approving of. She had long since lost the battle for Helen, but this civilized behavior on Helen’s part made Amy lose most of her discomfort.
Betsy’s children, of course, were all eyes. They took time to study the newcomers, and then joined in the general merriment that Elly and Gena generated with their banter.
Gena, too, noticed a great deal. If she approved of Maryssa, she approved of Matt even more. Of course, she was careful not to flaunt her approval before Aunt Amy. But she understood something of Helen’s psychology, and she felt instinctively that Helen and Maryssa were good for each other.
“You both look a little dizzy,” Elly said, grinning at the Brookses later that morning.
“Well, I must say you liven things up quite a bit!” laughed Maryssa, looking very merry. “And you are a lot like your aunt, it’s really interesting!”
“Well, she was my dad, until I was two!” The family was accustomed to this kind of statement, but Maryssa blinked, making them laugh. “My dad had died, and she and my mother were living together,” she explained, “so she was my dad!”
“Oh, I see!” said Maryssa, throwing a smile at Helen.
Elly thought that Maryssa had interesting canines. She’d make a great vampire, she decided, but immediately reproached herself. Something about Maryssa spoke of both innocence and gentleness. The way Maryssa and Elly’s aunt behaved towards each other made her heart stop. Helen was not in as much trouble as Janet had surmised. She just needed a little help with romance.

Maryssa, Matt and Helen all left, right after James and Allie had left with Trish. By then Elly was in bed asleep, and Natasha was helping Gena and Erin pack. The previous night they had made cookies, and the house was filled with the spicy aroma of baking.
“Come home early, Helen,” Amy had said, “we must make plans for the Paris trip!”
“Oh, okay,” Helen had replied, a little doubtfully. She knew she should stay and help plan the trip, but she couldn’t stand to be away from Maryssa a minute more than absolutely necessary. “I’ll try and be back around two,” she promised.

In spite of the cut on his finger, Matt stayed and helped cook. There was roast beef, potatoes, a variety of vegetables, a little pasta, and even a batch of home-made rolls, all ready to go in the oven. As the meal came together, Helen’s confidence rose notch by notch. It was a pleasure to know that she could organize a meal for nearly a dozen people even in unfamiliar circumstances, with inexpert helpers. She was able to deal with Matt’s tendency to panic, and Maryssa’s inadequate skills and Diane’s unreliable memory and judgement with tact and calmness, and Maryssa was full of praise.
“You sit there, so calm, so unflappable! I just can’t believe how easy you made it seem!”
“You only need to learn it once, Maryssa, and you never forget it,” said Diane, complacently. “See, I learned all this when I was young, and it all comes back.”
Except that it didn’t. Diane knew some things, but she had forgotten others. Helen held her peace; Diane’s confidence was more valuable now than her expertise.
“We’ll make six of the rolls for practice,” Helen said cheerily, “and then we’ll know exactly what to do with the others.”
“Make six rolls now? ” Matt asked. He was Helen’s right-hand man. Even in the middle of a panic, he would keep working like a machine. “Won’t they be useless at dinnertime?”
“We’ll eat them right away, Matt. They’re just so you can see how it works out.”
“Oh. Oh! I could really use a roll about now, you know!”
Helen laughed.

Maryssa pulled Helen aside after the rolls had been taken out and given to Matt and Diane ‘for inspection.’ Helen let her tug her by the hand, and found herself in the servants’ little hidey-hole. Then Maryssa pressed against her, and kissed her on the lips.
“What’s that for?” blushed Helen.
Maryssa’s eyes were bright. “For being so wonderful!” she said, her face radiant. “Now you have to say how clever and pretty I am, and things like that!”
“You’re wonderful, and I love you very much!”
Maryssa sort of blazed with happiness for a second, and then her face grew serious. She shook her head, and Helen grew alarmed.
“What? What’s the matter?”
Maryssa dropped her eyes, and her hands slipped away from Helen’s arms. “Love is a funny thing, you know. It can disappear like that,” she said, snapping her fingers.
“What’s going on, you two?” Diane called from the kitchen.
“Nothing, mother,” called back Maryssa. “We’re just talking!”
“Uh huh,” said Diane. Maryssa shrugged.
“The only one I ever fell out of love with is—Amy.”
Maryssa’s eyes grew wide.
“What did she do?”
“Nothing. You came along.”
“Oh.” Maryssa studied her face, her eyes dancing over every feature in a fascinating way. “What about all the other girls that went before?”
“They … left me. Honest, Maryssa, I never turned my back on any of them. I had some flings, but I always came back.”
Helen felt soft lips on her own, cutting into her reverie.
“You have to teach me to look after myself and Matt, so that when mother dies, we won’t be such a burden,” Maryssa said in a whisper.
“You’ll never be a burden,” Helen whispered back fiercely. “I love you! Don’t you understand? ” Her chest felt tight, and from Maryssa’s alarmed face she knew she must have looked angry. “When you love someone, looking after them is … something sweet and wonderful!” She smiled, and she could feel her whole body filling with the anticipation of the pleasure she felt. “You can never know what it’s like, until you have someone to look after, and … you know for yourself, Maryssa!”
Maryssa looked into Helen’s eyes and nodded. It was incredible. They found more ways of showing their love for each other now that they weren’t sleeping together, than they ever had before. It had been an agonizing wait until they could get into the room and out of their clothes. Now the love began as soon as Helen met Maryssa for the day.

Matt insisted on rehearsing the procedure one last time, and then he drove Helen home. “It isn’t that hard,” he said, “the hard part is waiting!”
“I know,” Helen said, affectionately.

It turned out that Amy wanted to go to Paris with Natasha and the children, too. That was perfect, because Betsy’s daughters were delighted by the prospect, and Betsy was happy for them to go. She herself insisted on staying, but she recognized that Amy would be a steadying hand.

The children were getting ready when Elly finally woke up around four. They all generously offered Elly the bathroom, and got each other dressed for the dinner. A little after four thirty, Ellie emerged looking really pretty in a very Christmassy green dress and red hose. Her hair had been put up in an interesting asymmetrical style, and she looked radiant and happy. The children surrounded her, and there was a fight about who got to sit next to her. Finally, they all packed themselves into the two cars, and set out.
They were received by a happy Diane and Maryssa. “Matt’s busy with the oven,” Maryssa said, laughing, with a special smile for Helen. “Come on in! We’re starving!” She looked a vision in a dark red dress, her hair beautifully in place. Diane looked quite the lady of the manor in a grey suit that managed to look festive nevertheless, perhaps helped by a subdued red scarf. Helen got James safely up the steps, and gave the children into Amy’s and Gena’s hands, and hurried into the kitchen to help Matt. It wasn’t necessary; her came out grinning broadly, two trays of perfectly browned rolls in his huge arms. “They’re looking great,” he said. “Oh, you all look grand!”
He himself looked like a movie star in a black suit and lovely red and green and gold silk tie. Helen took the opportunity to adjust his tie just a bit, and give him a little kiss of girl-friendl-y affection. The kiss was received with a loud silence by all except Gena and Elly, who cheered and clapped.
They were all ushered into the dining room, where the table was set out with all its leaves, with seats for all eleven of them. There were the three members of the Brooks family, Helen, Amy and the four children, and Natasha and Elly.
Diane insisted that Natasha sit on her right, and Amy on her left. Matt sat at the other end of the table, and Helen and Amy about a third of the way down, facing each other, and Maryssa and Elly a couple of seats further away, and the children spread out in between, strategically positioned for greatest efficiency.
Helen had been on pins for a few minutes, until it became clear that Amy was not only going to be cheerful for the evening, but also that she had made up her mind to be nice to Maryssa, who was duly appreciative.
On the other hand, Helen wondered whether the Brookses, so accustomed to having dinner served, would manage the unfamiliar format of an unserved meal. But Gena and Erin rose to the occasion, and with the thoughtful supervision of Matt and Maryssa, things went as smoothly as such a dinner ever could. Helen had primed them carefully for some of the uncertainties of James's table technique, but he managed beautifully. It was clear that his new love was Elly, and he had eyes for nobody else. Helen realized that he was just the medicine that that young woman needed, and it was beautiful to see Elly manage James through the evening.
“This roast is just perfect!” cried Elly, rarely so complimentary to a meat dish. Apparently she had given up her vegetarianism for the holidays. Indeed, the roast had turned out well. There was a good variety of food, with both familiar and unfamiliar things, and things easy to eat for young hands and mouths. And Helen looked across at Maryssa, and saw the pleasure there, and felt that it was all worthwhile.
Not quite noticing, Helen was stuffing herself, when a few gentle remarks brought her to her senses.
“Goodness, let the poor girl eat,” cried Diane, “She’s pregnant! You wait until you’re pregnant, young lady, and you’ll have quite a different perspective, I’m sure!”
“Hee hee, she talks a bit like Grandma Olive!” said Gena. “Grandma Olive is James’s grandma,” she added, politely.
“I was about to ask,” said Diane, smiling. “Tell me more about this Grandma Olive,” she asked, though Helen had told her before.
“Olive Gibson, from near Reston,” Helen told her.
Diane, thought for a while, then shook her head. “It’s useless, you know. I can’t remember much of anything. If she was involved with ballroom dancing, now, I’d know her almost certainly.”
“Hmm, I don’t know,” said Helen, raising her eyebrow at Gena, who was most likely to know that kind of thing. Gena shook her head.
Helen had left the dessert entirely to the hosts, and they had concocted a delightful surprise, a chocolate cheesecake that looked delicious. Amy smiled sympathetically at Helen.
“I’ve got something sugar-free for you in my purse, she said quietly, and rose to fetch it. Helen was struck by the thoughtfulness in the gesture.
“By all means, Amy, bring it out,” said Diane, “but we had planned …”
“Yes, I didn’t forget,” said Maryssa, bringing out a little individual pie just for Helen. “It’s made without sugar, but there’s a lot of fat,” she confessed.
“Oh, that’s fine,” Amy said, smiling, and settling back down, “I only have some sugar-free peanut crunch.”

“And now, it’s time for dancing!” said Diane, after they had all eaten their fill of dessert. “We’re crazy about dancing, just as you’re all mad about music!”
“Oh, we know,” said Gena and Erin in chorus, “and we have a surprise for you!”
They had brought a book of four-hands arrangements of waltzes, and a book of dances, hoping there would be a piano. There was, and the evening settled down to watching dances.
Amy and Elly started with a waltz, and Maryssa and Matt danced. The children were absolutely dazzled by the grace and charm of those two. Then Elly handed the piano over to Gena, and danced with Uncle Matt. “It’s so easy with him!” she exclaimed, her eyes still starry after being whirled around by the hunkish uncle. He was asking for more volunteers, and it was Gena next. Even Amy had her turn, though she declared she hated to dance.
Maryssa, after the first dance, had sat near her mother, watching the proceedings with evident pleasure, exclaiming at the performance of the girls. Elly had danced well, but of course she had years of ballet behind her, and it showed. Gena had danced well, too, with her natural grace. Now Helen saw Maryssa approach Amy, and speak to her earnestly in a whisper. She saw her glance in Helen’s direction, and her chest tightened up. The last thing she wanted was a fight between those two. And things were going so well!
“Mom, would you play the lower part? Erin and I want to dance!”
Saying a little prayer of gratitude for her eldest, Helen rose with a smile and went to the piano. Elly was playing the upper parts. She had wanted to play from the outset, but had held back because the children were so happy to play, and indeed were doing a wonderful job.
“It’s really easy, and in easy keys,” Elly said, looking at the music with favor. “I sort of improvise a little!”
“Let’s try something different, like a Tango,” Helen said, turning the pages.
“Yikes!” said Elly, peering at the music. She hummed the tune, and decided that she knew it. “I’ll give it a try!”
“Want the left hand?”
She hesitated only a little, and then nodded with a quick grin to Helen. They switched sides, and announced it was going to be a tango.
“Uh-oh!” said Erin, eyes wide.
“I taught you the tango!”
“Not in front of people! ”
“Oh, be a sport!”
“That’s very good! Practice makes perfect!” said Diane, pleased. She had assumed that it would be a dull evening with Helen, Maryssa and Matt doing all the dancing, but it was turning out really well.
Helen counted out the entry, and they began to play. Everyone was very surprised by how well Erin danced. She had indeed learned to dance the tango, and the two girls were dancing up a storm, with all the mincing steps that the dance required, as seen through the eyes of two young girls who had learned it from other young girls.
Helen was easily the best pianist in the room, and the music sparkled as she and Elly played in perfect synchronization. At the end, the pianists congratulated themselves quite unprofessionally, as Matt and Maryssa walked on the floor and offered to dance tangoes with the two who had just finished.
“Oh no, oh no!” squeaked Erin, with her indelible smile, and her freckles turning red. She had to look up almost vertically to talk to Matt, who was telling her that she danced beautifully, and he wanted to show her just a few pointers. “I caint hardly reach your waist!”
“Aw, it’ll be so much fun for me!”
“Well, okay, but I’m really scared!”
“Would you like Maryssa instead? Maybe that makes more sense!”
“Yeah! Hey, Gena, switch! ”
Gena was only too pleased to dance with Uncle Matt, though she thought Maryssa was too cute for words. Gena and Maryssa were nearly the same height, and it would have made those awkward dips more awkward still.
“Music please, orchestra,” Matt called cheerily, and Helen and Elly started another tango.
Helen was playing with all her concentration, completely absorbed in the music, when she felt a warm hand on her back. Through the corner of her eye, she identified Amy. A warm flush went through her. Everyone was going out of their way to make her feel at ease, and to make her enjoy the evening. Amy quickly turned the page at the right time, and the music went on smoothly.
Helen longed to watch the children dancing, but it was impossible; the music though easy, was unfamiliar. She decided to ask Elly that they should play the same dance again. That way, she could watch the floor.
There was the usual enthusiastic applause from the kids and Diane. Helen watched Allie, whose enormous eyes told her that she could hardly wait to learn to dance. James, in contrast, was playing with his toy laser rifle, something Elly had given him.
Amy bent to whisper in Helen’s ear.
“I’d like to see you dance,” she said.
“Me? With you?”
“If you like,” Amy said, grinning. “But first with Matt and Maryssa!”
So that was what it was all about. Maryssa had made Amy ask Helen. It was a tactful idea.
Helen shook her head. “It would hurt you, and it wouldn’t make me that happy,” she said quietly.
“What?” asked Elly, curious as ever.
“Amy wants me to dance with Matt or Maryssa, and I just told her I shouldn’t.”
“Aunt Helen, that’s what dancing is all about: you get to flirt with people you’re not supposed to be talking to!”
Helen looked at her censoriously, but Amy was nodding, and Natasha was nodding from across the way, and Helen turned to see every eye on her. Somehow, they all seemed to think the evening was incomplete without the sight of Helen on the dance floor.
She stood, and in a minute, Amy and Natasha were at the piano, with Maryssa conferring with them about music.
Matt was right there at Helen’s elbow, and he guided her onto the floor with a charming smile. Unbelievably, the sounds of “My favorite things” sounded from the piano, and Helen looked up slightly into Matt’s eyes.
They bowed to each other, and were off. Helen had worn one of the nicer maternity gowns, with a shirred bodice and a pretty, lace-edged half-flared skirt. Before she could settle in to enjoy the dance, it was over.
“Play it again, and we’ll sing the words!” she yelled, and they played it again. Helen sang, and the children joined in, including James, who knew the words to it already. She could feel that her voice sounded different, with all the extra weight on her chest and in her belly.
“It feels nice when you sing!” Matt said, smiling. “Your whole body vibrates!”
“That’s how the sound comes out,” Helen said, when she had a chance.
“May I cut in?”
It was Maryssa.
Helen turned to her, and Maryssa stepped into her arms as if she belonged there. It was like holding a feather, and she felt light and buoyant. She didn’t cling to Helen, but stood away, not putting pressure on Helen’s belly. She danced a textbook performance of the waltz, and then of the two-step that followed. The kids cheered, and Helen could hear everyone’s complimentary remarks. Amy alone was silent, and Helen turned to see her reaction. She was looking at them, and Helen knew that Amy was seeing how they fit together, and despairing. She cursed Maryssa silently for having made it happen.
Everyone was getting tired. Diane produced a basket of gifts to be put under the tree, and Helen explained that Amy, Natasha and the kids were heading for Paris for the holiday. “Well, take them with you,” Diane said. “But you’re not allowed to open them before Christmas!” James looked at his package dolefully.
Helen thanked Maryssa and Matt while Diane was handing out her presents, with detailed instructions about when and how to open them.
“It’s been perfect!” Helen said, eyes shining. “I knew the food was going to be fine, but …” she gestured at everything and shook her head, smiling. “You guys really know how to put together a fun evening!”
Matt shook his head vigorously. “We didn’t do anything,” he protested, “It just happened. The kids are delightful, and your niece is a jolly young lady!”
Maryssa just floated several inches above the floor. Helen needed to say nothing to make her happy! She just smiled her happiness, and Helen just squeezed her arm. Already they were developing the kind of rapport that Helen missed having, more than love and desire, a kind of mysterious understanding that was so satisfying. Helen simply had to give her a hug—or to get one from her, what was the difference?—and this time they hugged with all the tenderness they had refrained from expressing during the dancing.
“Oh, I needed that,” breathed Helen, as they clung to each other, reluctant to let go.
“She’s watching,” Maryssa whispered, and Helen sighed. It was so impossible to do anything tactfully, because Maryssa gave it all away with her body language.
Helen turned to Matt, and got a hug and kiss from him, and a few cheery words of encouragement.
The rest of the evening was rather a blur. The family seemed to believe that Helen was tired, and they must have been right. Helen only remembered being seated in the minivan, and she awoke again when they arrived at the house, and then she was upstairs in her bed, being undressed by a patient Amy.
“I guess I can stand you for one night, you overgrown hot water bottle,” she grumbled, as she undressed herself, and slipped under the sheets. “Turn to your side,” she commanded, and when Helen complied, put her arms round her.
Helen sighed in satisfaction, slipping into sleep already.
“I thought she’d be all over you,” Amy muttered, as Helen battled her drowsiness to catch what she said.
“Hmm?”
“Maryssa!”
“Hmm-hmm?”
“Oh, never mind!” said Amy, pounding her back. She knew it was hard to hurt Helen, and with her additional weight, Helen was completely insensitive to what Amy was doing. Tears leaked out from Amy’s eyes as she cuddled with her old friend, the human furnace. She hated herself for knowing precisely what Helen saw in Maryssa. Helen needed to be adored, and Maryssa’s innocent adoration was like a tonic for Helen’s bruised ego.
The problem was that Amy adored Helen, too. She had adored Helen for twenty years! But something in Amy seemed to keep Helen at arm’s length. They could have sex, but they couldn’t seem to fall into that emotional boil that was romance. They never rose beyond a gentle simmer.
Whatever would happen when Amy was gone, let it happen. It was clear that Amy would have to help with the children, or take complete responsibility for them. Anyway, she preferred it that way. The children loved Helen, but they looked to Amy for answers to their daily problems. She tenderly stroked Helen’s warm back as she mulled over what would happen the next few days. She had already put her troubled love to the back of her mind. Absently she played with a tendril of golden hair that had escaped the two braids. The back of Helen’s neck had always excited Amy. She reached forward to bite it gently. But Helen was fast asleep, dreaming.

The flight was early the next day, at seven. Helen was not quite awake when they all left her at the security gate. These days hardly anyone recognized Helen, and the few who might have, kept quiet. Suddenly, Helen and Betsy were all alone, walking back to the cars.
“You could ride back with me, and we could get the cars later,” Betsy said.
“Oh. No, I’m sort of waking up,” said Helen. To Betsy’s eyes, Helen was the most beautiful pregnant woman she had ever seen. She was still big and tall and commanding, but there was a cuddliness, something that aroused the protective instinct in people. Right now, she wore soft contrasting blue pants under a pale green tunic, with no coat or jacket of any kind. Helen’s eyes this morning were a warm hazel, and she was, all in all, a sight to warm anyone’s heart.
Betsy led the way out to the parking lot, helped Helen get in and strap down, and followed Helen out, and back to the house.
They both went to bed. The next item of business was welcoming the Powers family when they arrived. Elly would get her own breakfast when she woke up. She had slept through the bustle of the departure of the troops, and would be out of sorts when she woke up to find them gone.

“Hey, Aunt Helen, answer the frikking phone, woman!”
“Wha-at?”
“The phone! ”
“Oh. Hello? David! Goodness … I’ve overslept … where are you? Oh, great, you’re nearly here. OK, I’m up.”
Helen got downstairs like an agitated hippo, and got settled in the sofa, ready to guide the Powerses in. Elly promptly settled next to her with her plate of breakfast, turned on the TV, and turned down the volume. She tried to figure out who was on the phone, but it was too much trouble. She snuggled up against her favorite aunt, and felt Helen’s fingers comb through her long chestnut locks.

The barrier Elly had erected against the world had begun to crumble when she had gone out to play the organ back in Ferguson. The old organ had seemed to embrace Elly, telling her that she was all right, everything was all right, and the world simply needed time to adjust. Meeting Helen had continued the process, as she forgot to be cool and distant, and simply went into Helen’s arms, to become the favorite niece again. Then the children, her kind-of cousins, had eaten into her defenses, lavishing their admiration and their adoration on her. She realized that achievement and success wasn’t everything. The younger kids would have adored her no matter how terribly she did at College.
And she had been a hit with the Brookses. She had figured that Maryssa was Helen’s new girl, and she had made a shrewd guess as to who had made the baby with Helen. She felt wanted and loved and happy.

She wished that Tommy were more like Helen, more volatile, more exciting, more … more exciting. She could fall in love with aunt Helen. Aunt Helen was the best. She gave the hand that was fussing with her hair a little kiss, and got a cross between a chuckle and a giggle for her trouble.
“Who is that?”
“Oh … it’s this really cute guy … a vet … I think you’ll like him!”
“Another guy!” Elly was amused. “So which one is junior’s dad? This David, or Matt?”
Helen laughed. “I’ve been rather busy this year, I’m afraid. It could be Matt, or … someone else. It might be tactful not to say who it is, exactly.”
“Whoa. I’m out of my depth, here!”
“Keep it that way. Maybe it wasn’t the smartest thing to do. But … I was half crazy at the time, hon; I just switched off the brain, and let it happen.”
“Aha. The old insanity plea!”
“Uh huh. Matt is so cute, though; they’re both so irresistible.”
Helen looked at Elly, and Elly could tell that she wanted to talk. She took a deep breath, and switched off the TV. “Wanna talk?” Helen nodded, and there was a glint in her eye that made Elly smile in sympathy. “Okay,” she said, “the doctor is in!”

Helen tried to censor it, but she wound up telling Elly everything. All about how Amy had come back into her life and organized her, and how she met Matt and Maryssa and Diane, and how she loved Maryssa desperately.
Helen shook herself. “They’ll be here any minute,” she said. Helen finally met Elly’s eyes, and expressed her regret at burdening her without a word.
“Thanks for listening, darling,” she said, her voice barely louder than a whisper. “At least, I’m making things clearer for myself.”
“I’m sorry, Aunt Helen! I understand completely, and I can’t see how you could have done any better!”
“Oh, Elly!” Helen tenderly squeezed Elly’s hand. She remembered how devastatingly beautiful the youngster had been just a brief time ago, in her early teens. Now she looked very ordinary; though her eyes, her hands, her hair, her legs were individually perfect, she looked awkward and poorly put together. But just now, her eyes radiated a comforting warmth, a tenderness that was totally unfeigned.
There was a knock at the door, and Elly jumped up to get it. Helen heard noises up the way, and knew Betsy had heard it too.
“Hello!” Helen heard Elly call out a cheery greeting, and from the tone of her voice, Helen knew she had seen little Ruth. She hadn’t said a word about the little girl, leaving her as a surprise for Elly. When Helen got to the door, Elly was coming up the steps with someone snuggled in her arms.
“Look what I found!”
The little girl’s face was wreathed in smiles. She looked a little untidy from the trip, but the golden hair had been braided with care into two pigtails, and she looked beautiful.
She immediately reached for Helen, calling her mama, as she always did, and Elly surrendered her reluctantly, smiling. Helen took her with a hearty greeting and a nice wet kiss, and turned to greet David. She was getting quite good at hugging people with Ruth in her arms.
David felt and smelled wonderful. She murmured a soft welcome to him, and exchanged a brief kiss.
“David, this is my niece Elly, my namesake, and Elly, this is David Powers, my friend, and this is Ruth! And she thinks I’m her mommy!”
David laughed, and briefly explained. “She was barely seven months old, back then,” he said, “but she could walk, and she spotted Helen, and walked right up to her!”
“I guess she knew what her dad liked!” Elly said, slyly.
“No, her mother did look remarkably like Helen,” David said seriously.
Helen nodded. “She was lighter built, but the hair and the coloring was very similar,” Helen confirmed. “I saw only one photograph, but it was uncanny. Like looking in the mirror!”
Betsy came up, and after a lot of hugging and shaking hands, they gravitated towards the kitchen, and Helen began to put together a lunch for them all. It was a few minutes before she realized that David was helping her, and Elly was playing with Ruth, and Betsy was cleaning the table from breakfast. They made a great team, she thought, the way one appreciates in strangers what one takes for granted in one’s own family.
After the meal, they sat in the little TV room, with Helen on the floor near the sofa, and little Ruth climbed all over her, crooning her love of Helen.
“Where’s everybody?” David asked.
“Gone to Paris,” Helen explained, feeling guilty. “I knew if I told you, you might not come, so I selfishly kept you in the dark!” she confessed. “But I’m so glad you’re here; we need your company desperately!”
“Well, why didn’t you go to Paris with them?” asked David, not too enthusiastically.
Helen smiled, almost flirtatiously. “Well, for one, because you and little Ruth were coming, and because Jan and Tom will be here later on.”
“And there are other attractions as well,” Elly added, with a straight face, and Helen scowled at her, but then smiled at David cheekily.
Studying David, Elly knew that both the father and the daughter were crazy about her aunt. So this was Helen’s quandary. She had settled in with Aunt Amy, a match the family had rooted for for many years, only to find herself attracted to two men, a beautiful woman, and a little girl.
David and Ruth made a nice little package, but Elly realized that, though Helen hadn’t spelled it out, that Maryssa and Matt were sort of a package, too.
Helen’s pregnancy was an added complication. Once the baby was born, who knew how Helen would feel? She would be completely absorbed in the baby, probably, and quite content to settle down with Aunt Amy. Elly thought it would be wisest to keep her thoughts to herself, in case she should jinx the turn of events. There was no point in planning anything until the pregnancy was over. The trick was to keep all the options open, so that she had good choices when things settled down.
Elly felt great sympathy for the vet and his daughter. How could Helen resist them? Elly was determined to make the holiday bright for them. She would ask Helen for money, and finish decorating the house, so that it would be as Christmassy as she could possibly make it. Actually, she thought, Betsy was the one to enlist. They could do it without distracting Aunt Helen, and it might be fun for Betsy, too.

Helen had firmly taken charge of housekeeping, insisting that it was beneath Betsy’s dignity to be fooling around with linens and groceries. She insisted that Amy had given her full instructions, and she knew what she was doing.
“Well, guess what I’m in charge of,” David said grimly.
“What?”
“Your medicines.”
“Oh. Okay. I’ll show you where they are, and you can remind me!”
“Exactly,” said David, as Helen took them up to the room she had set aside for him, with little Ruth’s room right next to it, all ready with a cot Betsy had found in a used furniture store and cleaned up for her. “Oh look, Ruthie,” David said, “a nice bed just for you!”
Ruth laughed with pleasure, and stood on tiptoe to look inside. “Mine?”
“Yes, it’s yours, sweetheart!”
Ruth laughed again, and simply gazed into Helen’s eyes, lost in them. “Oh Ruth,” Helen sighed, “you’re such a happy kid! Yes, you are!” she said, picking her up. “I can barely stand to put her down for a minute!”
“You’ll spoil her rotten,” David said, severely.
“Yes, I’m going to spoil her for the entire holiday. We’re going to have a great ol’ time!”

Once the excitement of meeting Helen wore off, Ruth’s fatigue set in, and soon she was fast asleep in her bed.
“Would you like to take a nap?” Helen asked David, quite openly. “I have to lie down, and I want to talk.”
“Yeah, sure, leave the niece all alone, why don’t you.”
“Just for maybe an hour, sweetheart. I think Marika will be back this afternoon, and then there’ll be all sorts of things to do!”
“Oh, go on!” Elly said, grinning. “Can Betsy and I go out and get some holiday decorations?”
“Certainly! That would be lovely, Elly. She has money.”
So, while Helen reacquainted herself with David, Elly hauled Betsy off on a mad shopping spree.


K.

Elly Solo (Beginning)

Elly Kolb was devastated.  She had just finished the Fall semester of her Sophomore year at college with a C, two D's, and two F's, after having maintained close to a 3.8 in her freshman year.  Elly had an unique kind of intelligence, and an irresistible personality.  She lived and breathed music, and she had joined a school with an international reputation for music, intending to pursue an education firmly centered on music.

One of the most pivotal events in Elly's life was the birth of her aunt, Tomasina, mere minutes before Elly herself.  Elly's father had died tragically overseas days before she was due. Elly's mother and  grandmother had been pregnant at the same time in the same town in Ohio, and once the babies were born, they helped each other, and for a year or two the infants grew up pretty much together.  Then, various things happened; Tommy's father died, and Tommy and her mother, Elly's grandmother Elly (after whom she had been named) moved away to Illinois.  They always got together during holidays and vacation, and were called the Twins, since they were inseparable, and having to go back to their separate schools always caused tears.

Then, somehow, in their twelfth summer, the two girls discovered each other in a new and startlingly different way.  They fell in love; they discovered love together, and shortly afterwards, sex.  Everyone eventually knew what they were doing, but being highly intelligent, and responsible, and sensitive, they conducted themselves in such a way that it was easy to overlook the physical aspect of their relationship.

Both girls were enormously gifted, musically.  Both of them sang, and had beautiful voices.  They started violin with they were just six, and a few years later progressed to viola for Elly, and Cello for Tommy.  By the time they were sixteen, their "joint personality" was so firmly established that everyone was stunned when signs of discord were first noticed.  They had attended a private school in Minnesota, at which Elly's mother Janet was principal, and when they graduated, got admitted to the same university as freshmen, where by their sophomore year, Elly could not tolerate Tommy any more.  Once they finally broke up, Tommy seemed to be mostly intact, but Elly was most definitely not.

Meanwhile, Elly's 'aunt' Helen, also a musician and a professor at a small Pennsylvania college, had been stunned when a movie in which she had appeared had become offensive to Christian conservatives.  (It had been a comedy about a ping-pong playing group of girls, but where the main character, Helga, falls in love with a woman. It was essentially a parody on an action-adventure with a parallel plot, but Helen had never in her dreams imagined that the movie was so objectionable that one-third of the students in her little college would transfer out.)  This is where our story begins.  Helen has just offered to resign, and been refused.  She has taken the Spring semester off, and come to spend the holidays in Philadelphia.  Apropos of nothing, Helen is about six months pregnant, and is enormous. (This is a little more than a year before Crystal meets Janet.)

In Ferguson, where the Krebses and the Nordstroms were celebrating Christmas, things were not much more pleasant. Elly and Tommy had declared an uneasy truce. Their Fall semester had been stormy, and after a brief one-week reconciliation, Elly had broken off with cruelly unkind words. It was as though what little common ground they had found was now lost. Tommy was thrown back on the company of her friends, and Elly went her own lonesome way, hostile to everyone she met. Her grades were the lowest yet, of her college career.

It was miserably cold, and there was nowhere to go. In desperation, Janet gave Elly the keys to the little school chapel, and told her to go play the organ.
Elly was surprised. “Are you sure?”
“Yes. Be careful, darling.”
Elly looked at her mother as though she had never seen her before. It was a gesture that had cost Janet very little, but Elly acted as though they were the keys to Fort Knox. She grinned her thanks, and went off, and Janet watched the lonesome little figure tramping off in the snow, looking very determined. Elly had sold her violin, and grandma Elly had been heartbroken. It had been a beautiful instrument, made by Helen, and worth easily several thousand dollars, even without the added value implied by the notoriety of its maker.

“I wish you could talk to her,” Janet said. “I never seem to talk to you except to ask a favor,” she said, full of self-reproach. “You must be up to your eyebrows in your own worries!”
Helen snorted.
“You know I’m pregnant, right?”
“Yes, so I gathered. We saw you on TV the other day. You looked really cute!”
“Which one was that?”
“Oh, the one where you had the little barrettes in your hair!”
“And I looked like a whore!”
“No, you didn’t! Did anyone suggest that you did?”
“Well, all those barrettes; I looked like a porn star!”
“Nonsense!” Janet said. “It was a little precious, but you’re a law unto yourself, fashion-wise, you know. Everyone’s wearing barrettes, ever since that show!”
Helen laughed.
“Jan,” Helen said reluctantly, “I could use a little advice.”
“Yeah? Tell me.”
“I’m sort of—in love.”
“Oh no!”
“Please, Jan, don’t make fun of me!”
“Who is it?”
“You know who Diane Elfman is?”
“No. Should I?”
“She’s … it doesn’t matter. It’s …”
“Is she cute?”
“Jan, it’s not her. It’s her daughter, Maryssa Brooks.”
“Maryssa. Nice name, sort of cute.”
“She’s beautiful, Jan …”
“Of course,” Jan said, unable to resist the sarcasm.
“… and she’s so innocent, and decent, and … I can’t really put it into words!”
“Okay.” said Jan, gently. “What’s the problem?”
Taking a deep breath, Helen launched into her story, which took almost half an hour. Helen found it impossible to abbreviate it, but fortunately Janet seemed to be interested. She asked questions, and Helen was overjoyed when it became clear that Janet was beginning to get a feeling for Maryssa’s personality.
With a sigh Janet gave her verdict. “She seems a really nice girl,” she said. “Of course, from her point of view, she’s right. It’s an excellent idea to slow down. She needs to slow down, even if you don’t. You’re forty, and you’ve been around the block; but she’s just a child!”
“Yes, yes, but …”
“If Gena fell in love with an older woman, wouldn’t you suggest she took it slow?”
“Gena? But she’s just sixteen!”
“Same difference, Helen.”
Helen was silent for a while.
“What should I do?”
“Be respectful, charming, attentive, and well-behaved.”
There was a silence.
“I love her like crazy, Jan!”
“You love everybody like crazy, dear; I’ve never known you to love anyone any less!”
“This one is different. She’s helpless; it’s as if I’m her rock, the only thing she can cling to. God, it makes me feel incredible!”
Jan frowned. “As the basis for a commitment, it doesn’t sound like much.”
“I love her, I love her … what do you want me to say?”
“What about Amy?”

Amy was an old friend whom Helen and Janet had known for more than a decade. Helen and Amy had gotten together in the Spring, and Amy had left her highly-respected post as staff surgeon of a major hospital in Cleveland to come live with Helen, when the Helga disaster had hit. Now Helen had made matters worse by falling in love with Maryssa Brooks. Amy was most definitely not amused.

Helen sighed. “Amy … we’re right where we were in the summer, which is nowhere in particular.” Helen seemed to be almost growling. “At least, we’re sleeping together. It could be worse.”
“I had such hopes that you two would settle down together! Helen, what will it take to make you settle down?”
“I don’t know!” wailed Helen. “Amy had hardly moved in, when I was fooling around with three other women!”
“It sort of proves that you’ve never fallen in love. Not really.”
“That’s bullshit,” Helen said fiercely. “And you know it.”
“All right. Well, will you talk to Elly?”
“Sure,” sighed Helen. “Of course I will, Jan; I love the kid like crazy. I could phone her, or maybe you could send her over.”

Elly was not in a mood to talk to Jan, but at least she was pleasant. Elly and Jan sat in Janet’s study, Jan pretending to read, and Elly humming to herself.
“Would you like to visit Helen a little earlier? We’re all coming over next week, but apparently the children are going off to Paris, and Helen is pregnant, and … she’s going through a rough time.”
“You’d be a lot more help than I would,” said Elly.
“I told her as much as she could stand to hear,” Jan said, grinning. Elly echoed the grin. She knew how sensitive her mother was to giving advice, and she had a feeling what this trip was all about.
“Okay.” Jan’s eyes opened wide. She had expected a little more resistance. “I’ll take a Greyhound, if you like.” Goodness.
“No need. Will you find a good flight? I’ll pay when you’re ready.”
In less than half an hour Elly had found a ticket for an unbelievably low sum, and Jan was being chased out of Elly’s room, her offer of helping to pack very firmly refused.

Helen felt like the proverbial elephant. She tried to snuggle up to Amy, but Amy couldn’t bear the heat.
“You’re way too hot,” she said. “I’m sorry, Helen, but I’m going to have to sleep in another bed, if you keep getting fresh.”
“Shit, Amy, I’m not getting fresh, I just want to … jeeze!” Helen heaved herself out of the bed, furious. Amy avoided her eyes. “You sleep here. I’m going out to the sofa!”
“Don’t lose your temper, Helen, you know you’re hotter than a furnace!”
Helen took a deep breath and calmed herself down. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I guess I’m getting a little inconsiderate.” Amy turned to stare at her in disbelief. Helen smiled. It felt good to be in the right. Poor Amy looked so non-plussed that she felt like laughing. Helen sat on the edge of the bed and said sweetly that she wanted to make life as pleasant for Amy as possible.
“Let me guess: Maryssa threw you out.”
Helen drew a sharp breath.
“Not exactly. But she declared a sort of go-slow policy. We’re not sleeping together anymore.”
“Oh, you poor thing!”
Helen shrugged. She looked about. Her life was a mess, but really, she was feeling quite unconcerned. Things had pretty much bottomed out, but at least she was making money, and she was in love, and Amy wasn’t being a bitch, and little Elly—no, Elly—was coming over; it could be a lot worse.
“I could sleep on the sofa, no problem,” Helen said. “You could come and tuck me in, if you like!”
Amy smiled. “It’s tempting, but I decline,” she said gently. “I’ll come check on you in the morning. Have you taken your medication?”
Helen looked at her, startled. “Actually, no!”
“Well, go take it. Don’t fool with the health of the baby.”
“Does it get diabetes, too?”
Amy shrugged. “There are some complications, but generally speaking, the new drug is safe for both of you. If we can’t keep your sugar in control, we’ll switch to insulin.”
“Thanks for everything, Amy.”
“Sure you can manage?”
“Yeah.”
Helen turned out the lights, and headed downstairs. It was incredible how Maryssa managed to influence Helen’s mood. She arranged the sofa nicely, with a blanket from the closet, and lay down. Her phone was next to her on the coffee-table. Her personal assistant Betsy and her kids had come down to Philadelphia with them, and Helen could hear Betsy arguing with Carol and Kate in their room.
Also with them, it so happened, was Natalia Zemanova, the Czech soprano, who had been visiting Helen for Thanksgiving, when the Helga fiasco first hit the TV news. Natasha had watched Helen and her family completely fall apart, and had decided to stay a little longer. It was Natasha and Betsy who were really holding things together. Natasha had finally decided that it was safe to leave Helen by herself for a couple of weeks; Gena, Helen’s adopted eldest daughter, had become very glum, and it seemed better to separate mother and children for the holidays.

Helen decided to ask whether Natasha could take Betsy’s two girls also. They were a handful, but … it might be a good thing for them. She had to enlist Gena’s aid to keep them in control.
Helen could feel Maryssa’s love like a warm comforter over her. Maryssa was a miracle. Helen would give it all she had, and make it work. With or without Amy, she would make it work. No one needed her more than Maryssa and Matt, and she was determined to be strong for them.
Helen felt Maryssa lying awake, worried about her. There seemed to be an almost psychic relationship between them, as though Maryssa knew when Helen was upset. No, that was impossible. It was her heart that made it seem that way. Helen slipped into sleep almost imperceptibly.

What does Crystal Look Like?

Obviously, from the literary point of view, what Crystal looks like exactly is fairly immaterial; I describe her in fair detail when I write about their first meeting. She is sweet-faced, wide-eyed, a red-head, average height, simply and beautifully dressed. I imagined her very decided and organized about practical things such as clothes and hair, and all that, but all at sea emotionally. She would not be a wild-looking teen; she would have more of a clean-cut fifties look, borrowed from her parent's generation.

For various reasons, I wanted to put up a picture of her on the side, and I figured with so many pictures of women on the Web, it should be easy!

But I looked, and looked; the girls I found either all had hair too long, or too short, or too untidy, or were dressed too snazzily for a young girl of nineteen or twenty. Let's face it: girls like Crystal seldom put up their pictures on the internet! If a girl does, I guess, she's less likely to be a lost soul like Crystal, and more likely to know exactly what she wants. Or if she is a lost soul, and does have a Web presence, no matter how small, she's going to put up some other picture instead of her own, as some people we know very well have done. (Crystal is not going to look like Lady Clare, who seems just too "together" for how I imagine Crystal to be. No; I take that back; it's just that Clare is too tall and willowy, and looks a tiny bit aloof.)

Crystal would have hair just a little longer than shoulder-length, probably straight, and a dark red, almost auburn. She would have a slightly warmer color than a typical redhead complexion (though she would be convincing with the very pink tones of a typical redhead, too. I imagined her have almost an Italian appearance, mostly because I like that, but realistically she would be as "English" as an All-American girl could look. But quite the opposite of worldly-wise, even if there is a certain kind of wisdom in her eyes. Her eyes would be almost a middle blue, tending towards the purple-grey end of the spectrum.

Anyway, here's the scene at the single's bar, where Janet and Crystal met. Janet has persuaded an older woman, Maggie, to take her to a lesbian singles bar. Janet is in her middle forties, widowed for nearly 20 years, and getting tired of her solitary existence.

Within seconds of going in the door, Maggie saw her. She caught Janet by the arms and slowly rotated her. She heard Janet draw in her breath slowly.
She was drop-dead gorgeous, about eighteen, Janet figured, with lovely red hair that shone a million colors, pulled behind her pretty little ear in a pin, with little bangs just softening her hairline, enormous blue eyes that looked round the room with anxious expectation. She had a nice, determined chin, full breasts that showed pink at her neckline. Janet spotted a couple of girls near her, a blonde and a brunette, and gave a little sigh of relief. The couple had brought a friend out on a date.
Maggie gave Janet a little push. “Go, go!” she said. Maggie had given Janet instructions, but it was time to forget it all. This was the big prize!
Janet considered the girl. She was too perfect. Suddenly, she wondered whether this was such a great idea. What happened afterwards? The girl looked too innocent to be right for what Janet had in mind.
Just then, the girl’s searching eye caught Janet, and she seemed to freeze. Janet turned and looked behind her, but there was no one there. Maggie had disappeared. When she turned back, the girl gave her a rueful smile, and averted her gaze, only to glance back and smile again.
Janet took a deep breath and smiled, and the result blew her away. The girl gave her such a brilliant smile that Janet simply could not look away, or even think clearly. She had slightly uneven teeth that made her simply irresistible. Her friends seemed to be pinching her, nudging her, encouraging her to go across and talk to Janet. They had evidently seen Janet, and approved.
Somehow Janet found herself near the girl, smiling at her—no, grinning at her.
“Hello,” she said, “my name’s Janet!”
“Crystal,” she said, still smiling, and she had a lovely mezzo voice. She kept her eyes on Janet’s face, searching it, studying it, as though it fascinated her, but she was too polite to show it.
“Crystal! Are you with someone? Or may I buy you a drink?”
“Oh …” Crystal looked doubtfully at her friends, and when Janet looked that way, they rolled their eyes and looked away. Janet smiled at them, and looked back at Crystal, and saw them nod vigorously: say yes! “Okay, that will be fine, I guess!”
Janet gently ushered her to the bar, and halfway there, the girl quickly turned to Janet, almost bumping into her. “Just a soft drink, though,” she said, “I don’t want any hard liquor, or anything.” Janet had gotten hold of herself now, and felt her usual charm come to her rescue. She had always been good at handling people, and after being a principal for three years, it was easy. She only had to remember to treat the girl like a colleague, though she could hardly keep her hands off her. “Oh, sure, that’s fine; or coffee, or wine?”
“Like, maybe a wine spritzer?”
That was fine by Janet.
It was like champagne, to stand at the bar with this young goddess. The bartender, a handsome woman, got them their drinks quickly, and Janet paid with cash, and led the way to a somewhat dark booth.
To her surprise, Crystal sat close to her, angled so that she could see Janet, and they began to sip their drinks. From the moment they sat, her knee was touching Helen’s thigh, but Helen ignored that. She watched Janet so attentively that Janet felt awkward.
“How’s the drink?”
“Oh, it’s great!” she said, smiling. She laughed shyly. She had a lovely laugh. “I’m so sorry, I feel so lame! I don’t know what to say to you!”
“Just relax,” Janet said with a smile. She smelled the bouquet of the wine spritzer; it was a good wine, and she made a small sound of appreciation of it.
“It’s been a long time since I had one of these,” she said, putting the girl at ease.
“You must know all about wines, and stuff like that!” the girl said. “If you had wanted, you could have, you know, ordered something else; you didn’t have to get the same!”
“Oh, I rarely drink at all,” Janet told her. The girl seemed very impressed by that.
Her face grew serious, and Janet thought that she didn’t know whether Crystal looked prettier with her face in repose, or with a smile. She was one of the most spectacularly pretty girls she had ever seen. There was something good and wholesome about her, that battled with Janet’s idea of the kind of place it was.
“Yes, you didn’t look as if you were a regular bar person,” she told Janet. “You can guess I’m not, either!”
Janet nodded. “Yes, I have to admit, I only came …”
“Yeah, I know … me, too!”
Janet looked at her startled. Surely a girl like this could have a date anywhere she wanted, anytime she wanted?
“So what’s your story, Crystal?” she found herself asking, and she couldn’t believe her temerity.
“Oh … I … I don’t know; I was alone, you know? And I decided I had to just—do something about it, that’s all!” She sipped a little more, her face utterly serious, her eyes darting around the room nervously. “Oh, look at all the strange people out there!” Janet looked, and they all seemed perfectly ordinary. Crystal covered her cheeks in dismay, and then smiled at Janet, crinkling her eyes. “You turned up just in time!”
She didn’t know quite what to make of that.
Janet had met hundreds of young women in her time, and was a pretty good judge of character. Crystal was the genuine article, she was convinced of that. But what were her circumstances? Janet sipped at her drink, her brain awhirl, trying to figure things out.
“Look, Janet,” Crystal interrupted her thoughts, her voice trembling just a little, “if you’re ready, we could get out of here!” She placed her hand lightly on Janet’s wrist, and Janet felt her bones turn to water.
“But your friends, …”
Crystal blushed. “We came separately, and we decided that … well, if I, you know, met someone, I’d do whatever, and we’d meet tomorrow, like, to talk about it!”
Janet smiled briefly and grew serious.
“Who were you hoping to meet, Crystal?”
“Just someone … who was sweet … and kind, just, you know … I wasn’t expecting anyone as nice as you, Janet, to tell the truth!”
“But you hardly know me!”
Crystal’s eyes flickered over the scene, and seemed to see something unpleasant. Janet followed her eyes, and saw some rather grim-faced women entering the room, checking out the meat. Crystal slid close to Janet, until their bodies were touching. They had both worn sleeveless dresses, and her soft warmth caressed Janet from the knee all the way to her shoulder.
“Do you mind?” she asked in a tight voice. “I just want it to look like we’re together!”
“Oh. Okay.”
“Tell me about yourself, Janet!”
“Well … I’m a teacher, I have a daughter, and … I just felt like I needed something more.”
“Just bi-curious?” she asked, and Janet was shocked for a moment.
“No; I’ve been bisexual all my life.”
“Oh. I’m strictly into girls; I don’t like men at all.”
“Well, that’s lucky!”
Crystal giggled, and Janet said a little prayer of thanks. She was snuggling against Janet, somehow not in such a way that would have been disgusting, but just trustingly. It was as though she had made a decision that she wasn’t going to resist this, and was waiting for Janet to arrive at whatever decision herself.
“How old is your little girl?”
“Nineteen!”
Crystal gave a little gasp. “Is she in college?”
“Uh huh! And you?”
“Well, yes,” she said thoughtfully, her face losing its cheerfulness. “Actually, I’m thinking of quitting.” She smiled at Janet, her eyes laughing at her. In spite of her familiarity, there was just a little reserve in her manner that made Janet comfortable. She didn’t lean her breast against Janet, though Janet almost wished she would; nor did she lean against Janet’s breast. “You wouldn’t like that, would you! You’re a teacher, and everything!”
Janet smiled. What did she care what the girl decided to do?
“All right,” Janet said, the blood roaring in her ears, “I’m ready to move!”
The girl looked at Janet tentatively. They stood together.
She led the way, and Janet noticed the way she walked, the expensive clothes she wore, the little shawl she had in her hand. She was from a wealthy, cultured family, probably from the Midwest. They were soon outside in the dark. Janet wondered what to do. Maggie had seen it all, she presumed, and now she was on her own. It was too easy.
“Crystal; where could we go to sit and just talk a little?” Women were still coming into the bar, some glaring at them, others smiling encouragingly.
She seemed relieved at that. Now that she had snared Janet, she seemed content to let Janet take her time. She suggested a place, pointing with her chin. She had a car; did Janet like her to drive? Janet said yes.
It was a fabulous car, as Janet had expected, an enormous luxury Lincoln. Her parents had said that she needed something big and safe, and this was the old family car. “It’s hard to drive,” she said, carefully backing out, “but I’ve had a lot of practice!” she giggled, and Janet was utterly lost. But she continued to keep a facade of cool in-charge-ness, because of the pleasure of seeing the admiration in Crystal’s eyes.
It really was a nice place. They got a secluded table, ordered a light meal, and pecked away, and began to talk.
Janet had come prepared for an absolutely vapid evening, conversationally, but Crystal had a quiet vivaciousness that was very endearing. And Janet heard her story: her dad had sent her to a prestigious university, hoping she would do well; but all she wanted was to teach elementary school, and settle down. But settle down with a woman.
She was very particular about the kind of person she wanted to date. (She always spoke in terms of ‘dating’, and it was a little hard to figure her long-term agenda.) Then they began to talk about sex, and before she knew it, Janet was sharing intimate details of her personal sex life. Crystal was charming in the way she was able to express the most minute details of masturbation and petting with euphemisms and vague language. Her valley girl vocabulary was remarkably efficient for talking about sex. It had the delicious feeling of girls talking secrets together.
Janet learned that Crystal had only petted with a girl. It had been the sister of a friend, and when she was still in high school. In college she had never had sex at all. “I have these two nice friends, they’re my best friends, you know? And they’re, like, bi. I like them so, so much, but all the other bi girls on campus, you know, the dykes? They’re just ugly and disgusting.” She scowled for a second at her napkin, then looked at Janet. “I’m sorry to say that, I know it isn’t cool. But that’s—just the way it is!” Janet shrugged and kept silent. She hadn’t been any happier with the lesbians when she was in college. She had always felt herself a slightly different species from them.
“Would you like to come to my apartment?”

I started this post after having obsessed about the appearance of Crystal for several days. After I went through a million screens of faces of redheads as well as girls with other colored hair, I found four faces that came close to what I had imagined. The one that I like the best is the one in the middle. The one I like the least had a deep tan, and just never looked right, no matter how much I adjusted her skin tone! If I spoil the story for you, I apologize. I think a face that is a cross between Isla Fisher (about whom I do not know very much) and Kate Winslett would seem just right. Kate Winslett looks too improbably beautiful, I think, which is a point against her.

K

Crystal, Installment 5

In a couple of weeks, Janet was in a position to hand Crystal an envelope containing two letters, one each from her father and her mother. It was a scorcher, especially from her mother, who was furious at her for getting her father upset. Agnes had been right on the money; Mr Baxter wrote that Crystal could forget expecting him to pay her tuition. She replied with the patience and graciousness that was so sadly lacking in her parent’s letter.

“Dear Mom and Dad,
“I got your letter, thanks. I know you’re mad at me, and you’re mostly mad at me for my sake. I have done a lot of thinking, and I’m realizing that I don’t hate you, I never hated you, I just hated my life.
“But I was wrong about that, too. Anyway, I’m supporting myself, I’m paying my own rent, and I feel wonderful! I don’t blame you for deciding to stop paying my tuition. I felt so dumb at Penn. I’m going to try the community college here, and collect my credits slowly. I want to get a degree, and a good one, but I have to start easy.
“Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you. You must have suspected this right away, but here it is. I have fallen in love. And, your going to hate this, it is - a woman.
“Is that terrible? I love her so much, Mom, she’s tall, and beautiful, and smart, and talented, and strong, and kind, and she’s well educated, and I need to be a learned woman to equal her. Not even just a bachelors. She has a Masters, so I need one, too. Life will be difficult for me, because I love her. We will have to fight for every little thing. But I’m learning how to fight.
“I know you can’t be proud of me. But I want to be someone you can be proud of in at least some things, like college.
“Mom, Dad, there was this person who thought I like women because of something that happened while I was a kid. All I can say is, there is no such thing, and I have always been happy at home. I didn’t leave home because I was unhappy, really; it was because I couldn’t stand to give up college, and face you. And now, I want to go back to college, but you’re upset. It is a big mess.
“I’m not looking to you to bail me out, or anything. In a couple of months I will get on the health insurance plan, meanwhile I have to stay well. I will earn as much as I can, because someday, if you need me, I want to be here for you.
“Please keep writing, even if your angry with me right now. Isn’t it funny how I’m writing to you like two times in the same month, now that I don’t have to, and I never wrote before when I should have, or hardly ever!
“Love and kisses, Crystal.”

Crystal headed over to the community college one day, having taken leave, and found out how much it cost. To her surprise, one course cost around $500, which was not at all a frightening amount. But she had to certify herself a resident of the state, which unfortunately she couldn’t do. This sent her costs up double: $1,000 a three-credit course.
With some help from Agnes and from Janet, she got signed up, and soon she was out at the community college three afternoons a week, and finding the classes interesting and easy. It was Statistics I, and she had lots of help from Janet. Tommy was long gone, and it was Janet and her and Cindy.
A letter came for her, this time from her mother.

“Dear Crystal,”

her mother wrote,

“We got your very strange letter. Your father read it first, and I thought he would suffer a stroke, because of how upset he was. He couldn’t speak to me, he was so angry. I had to read the sad details for myself.
“Crystal, he doesn’t know I’m writing to you. Or rather, he wants me to write, but he hasn’t actually seen this letter. Baby, I’m upset, deeply upset at the choices you have made, not as a mother, because of the shame you may have expected me to feel. I’m upset, as you say so yourself, because of the hardships you will face. I’m not sure that you’re sure yourself, that this is what you want in life. I suspect that the first charismatic person you ever met was a woman. If it had been a man, all would have been well.
“Anyhow, what choice do we have? You’ve run off with this woman, and we have to live with your decision. You must realize that you might be ruining her reputation, too. Can a successful woman like that afford to have a mere child like you living with her? It seems to me that both of you are acting thoughtlessly, and I have to wonder what kind of woman she is if she’s being so short-sighted.
“Crystal, if you decide to go back to school, and give up this lady, at least until you graduate, I think your father will back up, and reconsider his angry words about not paying tuition. If you’re working, you would have a nice contribution to make towards your tuition.
“In spite of all the bad news, I found a lot to admire in your letter. There is character, and strength, and your special charm that you know nothing about, that I always loved. All I know about loving women is from loving my mother, and from loving you, since the day you were born. When I think of all the years we spent together, I think what a fool I was that I never sat you down and told you now much I love you, my Crystal. I mean, certainly I said that all the time, when you were off to summer camp, or off for a sleep-over. But I should have made you believe me. Your dad loves you too, in his own way, darling, but he doesn’t see things as clearly as I would like him to. We’re disagreeing about things more and more, and I am afraid of what might be happening to us. But that’s not your concern; you’re too young to have that kind of thing to worry about.
“So keep writing, and be careful, and cautious and wise. Yes, by all means keep healthy, my darling child. If you get sick, come straight home. Nothing is worth getting sick for, not even the most wonderful woman in the world!
“Love, your Mom.”

Crystal was in tears at the letter. “She’s so mean, and then she’s so sweet! Why can’t she be one or the other?” They were alone, in the little room Janet used as her office. Cindy was off visiting one of her friends close by, and they had the house to themselves. “And I’m not living with you, why does she assume stuff like that?” She fumed with indignation. “It’s like she doesn’t know me at all! I wouldn’t do something stupid like that, I was so careful, I found an apartment—well, okay, a room— way out there in Farmington, so that I could see you, out in the open, with no one spreading rumors about us! And my own mother has to jump to conclusions!”
Janet finished reading the letter, and handed it back, giving her a worried smile.
“I think it’s a lovely letter,” Janet said. “The words that jump out are: strength, charm, health. She’s writing to you woman-to-woman, and she’s asking you to prove to her that you’ve thought of everything.” Crystal was listening to her attentively. At least for the moment, Crystal hung on her every word. That might not last forever. “Think about it. She did not have a clue that you’d choose, well, an alternate lifestyle. So she’s wondering how much of her Crystal is left. She has to make sure that you’re sure. The only way to do that is to shake it up, see what falls out. And she did it with a great deal of kindness. I’d say she was the smarter one in that partnership.”
Crystal nodded slowly.
“We weren’t very close,” she said. “I always liked her, but she left dad to talk to me, tell me what they wanted. So dad was the one who always told me the bad news.”
“Maybe she disagreed with him.”
“Oh no. I think she’s the one who decided what had to be done.”
Janet shook her head. “It doesn’t matter, love; write her, tell her that you live three miles away, and that your friend thanks her for her thoughtfulness, but you were way ahead of her on that score.”
Crystal smiled, wrinkling her nose with delight at Janet’s humor.
Her face became serious.
“She seems to say that they might split up.” Her blue eyes looked sad. “I don’t want that to happen. Specially if I’m the reason.” She looked at the letter, and then back up at Janet. “It’s kind of blackmail.” She heaved a heavy sigh, and shook her head in bewilderment.
Janet groped for a helpful thought. The whole issue of whether kids were responsible for the stability of their parents’ marriages was an emotional Pandora’s box.
“Janet, you know how girls always love their Dads?” Janet nodded. “Does that mean lesbian girls love their mothers more?”
Janet shrugged, stumped.
“Want a pad and a pen?”

This independent story finishes here.  Crystal takes a seven-week course at the Community College, and having lived frugally all summer, has a little savings to put back into her school.  With a large student loan, she plans to return to her university, since Janet and Agnes are both urging her not to squander her opportunity at such a venerable institution.

Janet, of course, cannot help financially; it just doesn't seem right to take on Crystal as a dependent at this stage of their relationship.  That would alienate Crystal's parents completely, and Janet is serious enough about Crystal that she wants to leave every door open for cordial relations with the elder Baxters.  However, if Crystal gets into really serious financial trouble, Janet is prepared to intervene.

We continue with the story of Janet's daughter Eleanor (Elly) Kolb.

K.